It's amazing how things can change from one day to the next. Yesterday, seeing my mum in such a state put me in a sorry mood and I went to bed after seeing in the New Year with the other half and the in-laws thinking that mum might too be awake, but blissfully unaware that it was 2016 and wondering what the noise might be outside. I imagined her getting out of bed, confused and scared at being somewhere still unfamiliar, despite having been there the best part of 8 weeks, and even wailing or calling for me like she has been lately.
Each bed is apparently alarmed and the staff know when the residents move out of their beds. Whenever we've tried to put mum into bed for a nap at our place, we too suddenly find her appearing silently at the living room door 5 minutes later, having not settled and following her instincts to have a wander. It's quite disconcerting having her pop up suddenly like that. This is what happens where she is now. The nightime shift have had quite a challenge on their hands.
Today, I was in two minds about visiting her yesterday. I even said to my other half that I don't think I could face seeing her, especially if she was in the same agitated state.
This morning we visited my father who, thankfully, is making a good recovery and getting back to a fit state. It's amazing that not long ago, he was cut open and had his insides fiddled about with. He had a scar running all up his left left from his ankle to his groin and another on his chest. Pretty gruesome. But, he is getting back to being more mobile, getting things straightened out in the house, and looking and sounding more like his old self. I make a point of not mentioning too much about mum when we talk and haven't told him exactly how she had been the last few days. To go into detail wouldn't be good for him right now - but of course we do have the assessment next week which I'm dreading already. It'll be the first time they'll have seen eachother since that Tuesday morning which triggered everything since then.
I just hope social services and/or the continuing care team manage to put together the best and right package for them. Part of me though wonders if that means an even longer - or even indefinite - stay in the care home...
Today, I actually held my breath as I parked up at the care home. I was alone today. It's quite a challenge with our lad wriggling and being restless as he is now. The main entrance leads into the small reception area where you sign the visitors book. and you need a card to get through to the main foyer inside before going to the separate wings / suites. I've been given a card to use temporarily so that someone needn't have to buzz me through each section, so it makes it easier for me to go straight in and see her. I pass into the main central area, with a hairdresser and other offices, and take a right beyond the stairwell to the suite where she stays in with 8 or 9 other residents.
The first thing I do as I approach the day room is listen out for her voice. If someone were to be distressed or crying, it would be her. I remember that evening I visited and found her quite hysterical, and it's not a nice feeling. The next thing is to look at the row of seats you first see when the door comes into view. That's where she usually is and sure enough, there she was today.
She looked so much better. She even stood up to greet me and I gave her a big hug. It might sound silly to some people reading that but it makes all the difference in this situation. Her mood was totally different from yesterday. Clearly she must have been able to have a good rest after being so exhausted and upset. It was a pleasure just to sit and stay with her for a while, enjoy a cup of tea together, show her some photos on my phone (she forgets or doesn't realise she has a grandson, and never remembers his name), and just let her say whatever she wants to say.
What will make another difference - and what I'm kicking myself for not doing sooner - is making her room a little more homely. All the other residents have a lot of personal effects in their rooms. They are of course permanent residents but mum's room is still bare, save for a few photos we added there early on. One of the members of staff, a lady we've seen only a couple of times before but has been particularly helpful and considerate towards mum, suggested I take some items from home to keep there. Photos, blankets, pillows, anything that she would normally surround herself with.
We hadn't considered this before, besides bringing her clothes and necessities, and the other staff members hadn't mentinoed we do this either. She was of course only meant to be there a week. At least it will make her room a little like her own environment back home with dad. There are a few items that I know I could bring to make things more familiar to her, and it might help her settle down to sleep, or to help her not feel so afraid whenever she wakes up wondering where she is.
Of course, hindsight is a wonderful thing and proves that understanding dementia and how to handle it isn't something easily done. But today's visit has at least been positive. As we sat there together, she nodded off in her chair, and I took the opportunity to leave her in that comfortable state. I was also at least assured that the members of staff on hand were those that mum felt very comfortable around. Perhaps this is a very important thing too - the staff who are looking after her at the time. It certainly made a difference today.
We can only wait to see how she is the next time I or we visit her.
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