It's one thing hearing how agitated and distressed your mother is from a care worker over the telephone and it's another thing to see it for yourself.
New Year's Eve and the day after being told that mum had 'assaulted' a care worker and had been aggressive towards another resident. These are things you really don't want to hear about your own mother and I'm still reeling after hearing it the first time, even after seeing her myself today.
My wife and I visited mid-morning after the team would have gone through the normal morning routine of getting the residents up and cleaned, dressed and given their breakfast. What I was most acutely aware of was the environment that was due to greet us as we entered the day room. We recognise all the other residents and know most of their names now, as we do with the care team. There must be 7 or 8 different members of staff that we've seen in and out of the 'wing' that my mum is staying at and today we were greeted by two of the most regular of them. I may have been paranoid but I almost felt like the staff were a little stand-offish with us and her.
Mum did look rather distressed and we later found out that she had hardly slept, so is obviously exhausted from not sleeping. A couple of hours a night and a catnap or two during the day isn't nearly enough for her. One of the other residents - a very pleasant and the most vocal of the other ladies there - came in using her frame (she is still quite mobile) and showed off the huge bandage covering her hand. Immediately we put the two together - that mum had hurt this lady by scratching her, as had been reported to me over the telephone. An awful thing to have to think about but the lady seemed rather nonchalant about it, even going so far as to say she didn't remember how it happened. Later on, we were told by the staff that mum didn't hurt her at all and it was due to another accident, so this at least put our minds at rest, but begs the question why I was told such a thing in the first place.
Over the time we were there, she became very distressed. She would cry and wail and tell us terrible things. So, it was now that we saw for ourselves just how upset she has been lately. We were able to get her to her room but she couldn't go to the toilet on her own properly. An awful thing to have to witness but again, all part of her condition and state of mind now. Fortunately, those two members of staff helped us give her a wash down and change of clothes, but it was a very, very difficult thing for them to accomplish - and even worse for me to witness.
I have never seen my mother like that before. It is a terrible thing to have to see and be useless too. You have to hand it to the staff - they are trained in dealing with such patients (at least, this is what we are led to believe and we put our trust and faith in their capabilities of course), and it was good to see how they handled and comforted her during the process. I have to admit though, they've always exhibited the same approach to her and the other residents whenever we've been in the day room.
The problem is, which is what became evident after the first few days of her stay there, is the lack of sleep. She simply isn't sleeping long enough to be well rested. As a result, she is agitated and distressed and this in itself could be causing hallucinations and who knows what else. Right now, I expect she is still distressed and wanting to 'go home' and being very much non-compliant. She said herself many times, quite clearly, that she didn't like people telling her what to do all the time. You simply can't get her to understand that the staff are there to help her and not to harm her. We saw for ourselves how she didn't like them handling her, but she doesn't understand they are there to help her and make her feel better. She is rejecting their help and feeling distressed when they need to finish their job. It puts more strain on them and means mum won't get the help she needs. It's a vicious circle.
It was hard to take any positives away from today's visit. Tomorrow is New Year's Day, 1st January 2016 and we'll visit again. I hope that whatever distressed state she is in won't be a sign of things to come for the year ahead. But who knows, she might surprise us all.
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