The Assault

It's been a pretty rough end to 2015. After what happened at the end of 2013, my wife and I thought it really couldn't get any worse and it hasn't to be honest. The sadness we felt at that time can't be compared with anything before or since then, but I speak for myself when I say that. This December, it's just been worry after worry about things and I don't see how things will improve going in to the New Year.

I visited mum briefly the other day at the care  home. She was sat with her head in her hand, almost dozing off but perked up as soon as she saw me enter the day room. The other residents were sat around either in the big comfy chairs or at the dining tables behind. Apparently mum does ask for me or speaks about me a lot. Whenever I'm there she also makes a point of mentioning to whoever might be listening that I'm her son. This is a good thing, but I'm afraid this means I might be her only source of happiness, comfort, trust or 'compliance' and it worries me that I might not be up to the job if I'm needed for something important. I don't even know what I mean by that, else I can't quite put it into words...

The next evening, I spoke to one of the managers of the care home who, as was her duty, wanted to keep me in the picture about how things were going. My mum had apparently assaulted one of the staff and also tried to do the same with another resident. You can imagine this came as quite a shock and I didn't know what to say. It's a completely alien thing to be told that your 75 year old mother is being aggressive to other people. This of course poses some big problems going into the New Year and its potential effect on her discharge plan and ongoing care if she is to go home to dad.

I saw him today myself and he was looking well, but finding the house very quiet. I had a lump in my throat when I read the card he wrote to my mum: "Missing you" was what he wrote. I couldn't bring myself to read it to mum when I delivered it to her, but I had learnt at the time that she can't read either now.

On the subject of reading and writing, what made my heart sink today was getting rid of some old diaries going back to 1999 to around 2002, when she kept a regular diary going. In her own broken English, she would write things like how I might have popped home for lunch, or that she went to the doctors, or that dad was unwell. There were also things I read that I knew she wrote at the time but struck an awful chord with me reading them now - about how often she felt unhappy or unwell. I was in two minds about keeping them or discarding them, but decided that I'd rather not my father read them or anyone else, and made sure they were gone for good.

I plan on visiting mum tomorrow but feel acutely anxious about it. I know that the care team are trained and might even be used to such behaviour from the residents, but I'm told they are stuggling with mum and are looking for ways of making things better for them and for her, by way of one-to-one care which needs some assistance from the council or the state. This means that the team will be wary of her behaviour. I even feel guilty myself about mum lashing out and hurting someone else. She has always been a caring, gentle and loving human being but I keep wondering what things in her past might be brought to the surface through the dementia and as things worsen, she's being less and less compliant and denying the help being given by the home.

Next week will be the first week back at work yet I still have to take time out straight off the bat to take dad their for the re-assessment with the Continuing Care team. I expect by then though the GP will have visited her and maybe even a member of the Mental Health team given the recent incidents, but it's still another week until the formal assessment is carried out and goodness knows how long after that before any action it taken. What else might mum do while the days and weeks pass? Will she be even more upset and distressed?

Come mid-January, my wife will have Jury Service too - another worry, because I'll have to be away from the office and somehow look after our by, who will be 9 months old by then. Thankfully my in-laws will still be here for the first few days, but after that? On January 12th, mum is suppoed to leave the care home, but how will dad cope? How will any of us cope?

What are the next steps? As I approach the end of the year, 2016 will immediately start with me worrying about my mother's deteroriating behaviour due to the dementia, my father being home alone and missing her but not knowing the full story of what's going on, the arrangements with Jury Service, looking after our son and taking time off work or away from the office... to be honest, I feel pretty rubbish about things already, and only just managing to keep my head high and a smile on my face.

I keep telling myself that there are so many more people worse off that I and we are, and that things could also be a whole lot worse. So, we'll make the most of it - there is little you can do but get on and deal with it, and that's what I'll do.