This will be the first Christmas that I haven't spent with both of my parents present. It seems an odd thing to say given that I'm 36 years old coming up to 37 but I'm pretty sure I've never been away anywhere for Christmas and while it might have happened in different places, they were always together on the day.
My dad is recovering well after his surgery. The scars are healing up and he's back into some sort of routine at home, but has already expressed that the house is a bit too quiet. The next few days will be difficult- I really don't know whether he should visit mum knowing that she can't come home, and I'm not sure how mum will react seeing him and what will happen when we have to go.
I'm thinking back now to when I was young and now much time I'd spend looking around the house for presents my parents had hid away for me. We would usually let mum open her presents first and then I'd be the last. I liked to savour the moment, even from a young age. It was always a difficult thing buying stuff for mum. I do remember in recent years though - in the last ten years - before the dementia really kicked in - that we got her a coat that she really wanted. She was ecstatic. I still have the photos of her looking radiant. She was already loosing her hair and exhibiting some strange behaviours. This is what made the last years of my living at home with them really difficult, especially since dad had got through his nasty episode of Meniere's Disease and other problems.
Mum too had her own problems, but going back a bit further. I recently popped into the local chemist to pick up a prescription for my dad, and introduced myself to the lady there who knew both of my parents very well. She had been working there for more than 20 years and had seen both of them regularly over the years when they collected their various medications. The lady mentioned how she had a hand in saving my mum's life at one time. I do remember mum going through a period when she used to consume a lot of Alka-Seltzer tablets. She wouldn't take them in a glass of water or to help with any upset stomach , it was a habit that got out of control. Apparently, this lady in the chemist flat refused to sell it to her at one point. Very soon after that, she went into hospital with problems with an ulcer.
I remember that visit to the hospital quite clearly. There was a junior doctor listening to mum explaining what was happening. He looked very nervous. Whatever happened next was a blur but mum got the help she needed and didn't touch the stuff afterwards.
I can see in the photos that I've taken since that Christmas day I mentioned earlier how older and more frail she has become. Loosing her hair was a strange thing - but she also went through a period of looking for and picking out the white hairs. Another strange habit. In more recent years, she would polish her nails and use remover to clean them off, and then apply polish again. She's do this every day for a good few months. The last thing she appeared to give up was doing crossword puzzles. She'd be very good at those, until at some point the books were just left unattended.
It was very sad to realise that this was all happening but looking back now, I can see all the signs of dementia. The worse of it though was her behaviour. I had always believed that my leaving home was a big part of her going the way she did. Not having me there meant that her attentions were diverted elsewhere. Perhaps it was also evidence of a poor relationship with my father - this is something I had always considered. I do know how much they love each other but with their deteriorating health and day to day challenges as a result of it, I can imagine things were not particularly comfortable in that household anymore.
This year, mum won't even realise it's Christmas. Yes there will be a Christmas Tree in the common room, and tinsel and decorations, and Christmas music and TV shows, but she won't grasp the fact it's that time of year. She wouldn't know it if she were home either. Come Friday, my dad will dine with us and my in-laws, but mum won't be there. I wonder how he too feels about this, but I dread bringing up the subject given how emotional he is about everything that has happened in the past 6 weeks.
Truly a very different Christmas this time around.
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