It's now 11 weeks since dad was taken to hospital and mum had to go into the care home. They still haven't seen each other since and the longer time goes on the more worried I am about how he'll react seeing her and how she'll react seeing him - and that's even if she remembers who he is.
My wife and I have seen that her condition has gone downhill pretty fast. She's clearly not the same woman dad knows or will remember being back in November. Dementia is taking away my mum and it's a difficult thing to witness. More and more often now she speaks in Thai and doesn't use English. At some point this may be another thing that she loses - the ability to communicate with us and the carers. She can no longer read or write. And I've seen how she often reaches out or tries to move things that aren't there - a certain sign of her mind deteriorating.
I had called ahead before today's visit to see how she had been in these last few days, and the report wasn't good. She had been crying and wailing again, and aggressive towards the staff and other residents, and also doing things like emptying the bins in the day room and moving furniture around. As usual, that same sense of dread and anxiety takes over me when I enter the building and go through to the area where she now 'lives'.
I do feel guilty about not having spent much time with her during our visits. I do pop in to see her during my lunch breaks from work, but cannot stay longer than 30 minutes. After work is often difficult with our lad's night time routine and how difficult it has been lately getting him to eat anything and then settle down for the nights. Visits on the weekends can be awkward too as our lad is often restless and needs attention (feeds and nappy changes).
We did however manage a smile and a laugh today. It meant I could leave her in a happy mood and the staff could get on with preparing the lunches without too much drama. What I do intend to do soon is spend a good few hours with her, instead of 30 minutes here and 45 minutes there. This will allow me to see how my presence might affect her mood and how the staff go about providing the care they're meant to.
I also had some good news today from the Continuing Care team. The report from the assessment has been written up and will be sent on to CCG as a priority, but we've no idea how long things will take before the panel make any decision. The local council social services are also waiting on this decision before a discharge plan can be made.
I like the fact that the lady from the Continuing Care team was conscious of my own well being given the amount of stress and anxiety we've been under these last 11 weeks. She mentioned how that if mum were to go somewhere that provided better specialist care, that I may feel more relaxed and less anxious about things, at which point I might even become ill myself due to the weight of the worry taking a turn. I have lost a fair bit of weight and suffered a stomach bug recently, but I feel pretty well in myself at the moment. Work and daily life still goes on.
Tuesday, 26 January 2016
Friday, 22 January 2016
Things Finally Settling Down
For the first time in a long time I am starting to feel positive about the future, despite the challenges and worries we've faced about mum's condition and being unsure about what the best next steps are in terms of her care.
Today I visited mum and saw her for a brief time. My half-sister, who I mentioned all the way at the start of this blog, was there too. She has been able to visit our mum more often recently and is having a positive effect on things - both for mum and the care home itself. My sister works herself in care services so understands the needs and challenges of those with disabilities. To be honest, it was a huge relief and massive boost to be able to meet up with my sister again as we just haven't had the time to catch up.
We have considered having mum go back home with dad, provided they are supported in the best way possible. It's been on the cards for a long time now to make changes in the home and to have a bedroom downstairs (seeing as the bathroom is downstairs too) and changing the bathroom into a wet room to make things easier for them both. My immediate concern about that was how they would both manage on their own together again. Mum has been taken away from the environment she has spent the best part of 38 years of course, and anyone from the outside looking in would say it's probably the best place for her.
But now, things are different. Her care needs are very particular, as witnessed and understood first hand by the care home. I had a work with the Senior Care Worker on my way out and she mentioned that it just wouldn't work having her at home. As much as everyone might like this to happen, in order to give mum the comfort and familiarity she needs, it wouldn't be possible for dad to look after her, even with regular care from trained visitors.
The reason I feel positive about this is at least it's an option that we've considered that probably isn't going to happen. It's not a pleasant thought to accept that mum will need full-time specialist care, and to not be at home, but this is just the way things are. Dad will naturally be very upset about how that would pan out, but it may well be unavoidable. He's told me himself how much he misses her, and that is completely understandable. But he just won't be able to cope anymore.
My wife's jury service is finally over, so at home we are returning to some sort of normality. Our 9 month old lad though hasn't been well the last few days. He's not eating properly and been pooping for more regularly - and it's been runny and messy. He still doesn't settle well during the night, but last night in particular was an example of a relatively good night for us all. He finally settled around 9pm and only woke around 2 o'clock in the morning. But, he fell asleep again and didn't wake again until around 4 o'clock, at which point he guzzled down a bottle of milk. If this were to happen more often - which we know it won't as no two nights are ever the same - then we'd both get much more needed rest.
Next week could be interesting. We should have a full written report off the back of the full assessment undertaken recently by the Continuing Care team, and social services will be on hand to look for appropriate care services for mum if the right funding is approved.
Today I visited mum and saw her for a brief time. My half-sister, who I mentioned all the way at the start of this blog, was there too. She has been able to visit our mum more often recently and is having a positive effect on things - both for mum and the care home itself. My sister works herself in care services so understands the needs and challenges of those with disabilities. To be honest, it was a huge relief and massive boost to be able to meet up with my sister again as we just haven't had the time to catch up.
We have considered having mum go back home with dad, provided they are supported in the best way possible. It's been on the cards for a long time now to make changes in the home and to have a bedroom downstairs (seeing as the bathroom is downstairs too) and changing the bathroom into a wet room to make things easier for them both. My immediate concern about that was how they would both manage on their own together again. Mum has been taken away from the environment she has spent the best part of 38 years of course, and anyone from the outside looking in would say it's probably the best place for her.
But now, things are different. Her care needs are very particular, as witnessed and understood first hand by the care home. I had a work with the Senior Care Worker on my way out and she mentioned that it just wouldn't work having her at home. As much as everyone might like this to happen, in order to give mum the comfort and familiarity she needs, it wouldn't be possible for dad to look after her, even with regular care from trained visitors.
The reason I feel positive about this is at least it's an option that we've considered that probably isn't going to happen. It's not a pleasant thought to accept that mum will need full-time specialist care, and to not be at home, but this is just the way things are. Dad will naturally be very upset about how that would pan out, but it may well be unavoidable. He's told me himself how much he misses her, and that is completely understandable. But he just won't be able to cope anymore.
My wife's jury service is finally over, so at home we are returning to some sort of normality. Our 9 month old lad though hasn't been well the last few days. He's not eating properly and been pooping for more regularly - and it's been runny and messy. He still doesn't settle well during the night, but last night in particular was an example of a relatively good night for us all. He finally settled around 9pm and only woke around 2 o'clock in the morning. But, he fell asleep again and didn't wake again until around 4 o'clock, at which point he guzzled down a bottle of milk. If this were to happen more often - which we know it won't as no two nights are ever the same - then we'd both get much more needed rest.
Next week could be interesting. We should have a full written report off the back of the full assessment undertaken recently by the Continuing Care team, and social services will be on hand to look for appropriate care services for mum if the right funding is approved.
Monday, 18 January 2016
Jury Service and the Stomach Bug
My stomach isn't great. I was up most of last Friday night into Saturday morning running to and from the bathroom emptying my guts out. When I thought there was nothing left, my stomach still managed to give up some more. I haven't felt quite the same since but hey, I've lost another kilo, so I guess one positive to come from this nasty stomach bug or whatever else it might be.
This week is the second week my fie has been on jury service. Was a massive inconvenience it has been. For the first 3.5 days of last week I had the benefit of the in-laws being around but they have since gone home. Friday was my first day alone with the boy and it wasn't a bad thing at all. We coped. We got through. Didn't need mum to feed him a bottle of milk and put him down for a nap - I somehow managed it, alongside doing work from home and trying to keep the place tidy. It was likely all the crap I ate that day, with no in-laws and no Mrs around that made me sick that night.
Despite being thoroughly ill we managed to visit mum over the weekend. I always feel bad about not seeing her more often seeing as she's only down the road from us. Each now we do visit now, we are usually finding her dozing off in one of the comfy chairs in the day room. I wonder actually if she's even managed to get outside for some fresh air...
The Continuing Care Team are now writing up the assessment. A copy is due in the post both to me and my father - I plan to warn him in advance of this coming through so that he isn't entirely distressed by what he reads in it. Although he was present at the assessment, he didn't hear much of what was discussed and as I said before, it's probably better he didn't.
I had an update from Social Services too. Everyone is waiting on approval from the NHS for full continuing care funding, which I understand would mean the council can look for a suitable specialist home - a nursing home, from the sounds of things - that would be able to cope with her needs. This means that dad will likely be home alone indefinitely... I'm not sure how to process all of it to be honest.
Right now I have a load of washing on the go and a 9 month old baby boy wailing at me for attention. My stomach is queasy and my head not straight after having not slept much last night - due to the poor lad being poorly himself and puking up his milk at his bedtime, prompting us to do a round of changing bed lined, making him a bath, redressing him etc. Quite a chore when you are ready yourself for an early night - I was so tired yesterday.
And if that wasn't enough, we're trying to move home. I must be a sucker for punishment.
Apart from that, everything is hunky dory. It's also my 37th birthday tomorrow. What a year my 36th year was. What is to come in Year 37?
This week is the second week my fie has been on jury service. Was a massive inconvenience it has been. For the first 3.5 days of last week I had the benefit of the in-laws being around but they have since gone home. Friday was my first day alone with the boy and it wasn't a bad thing at all. We coped. We got through. Didn't need mum to feed him a bottle of milk and put him down for a nap - I somehow managed it, alongside doing work from home and trying to keep the place tidy. It was likely all the crap I ate that day, with no in-laws and no Mrs around that made me sick that night.
Despite being thoroughly ill we managed to visit mum over the weekend. I always feel bad about not seeing her more often seeing as she's only down the road from us. Each now we do visit now, we are usually finding her dozing off in one of the comfy chairs in the day room. I wonder actually if she's even managed to get outside for some fresh air...
The Continuing Care Team are now writing up the assessment. A copy is due in the post both to me and my father - I plan to warn him in advance of this coming through so that he isn't entirely distressed by what he reads in it. Although he was present at the assessment, he didn't hear much of what was discussed and as I said before, it's probably better he didn't.
I had an update from Social Services too. Everyone is waiting on approval from the NHS for full continuing care funding, which I understand would mean the council can look for a suitable specialist home - a nursing home, from the sounds of things - that would be able to cope with her needs. This means that dad will likely be home alone indefinitely... I'm not sure how to process all of it to be honest.
Right now I have a load of washing on the go and a 9 month old baby boy wailing at me for attention. My stomach is queasy and my head not straight after having not slept much last night - due to the poor lad being poorly himself and puking up his milk at his bedtime, prompting us to do a round of changing bed lined, making him a bath, redressing him etc. Quite a chore when you are ready yourself for an early night - I was so tired yesterday.
And if that wasn't enough, we're trying to move home. I must be a sucker for punishment.
Apart from that, everything is hunky dory. It's also my 37th birthday tomorrow. What a year my 36th year was. What is to come in Year 37?
Monday, 11 January 2016
The Dreaded Night-time
While everything has been going on with dealing with mum's dementia and social services and assessments and worries over visiting the home and keeping tabs on how dad is doing after his op, my wife and I still have our nearly-9 month old baby boy to look after.
On the whole he is a very happy, smiley, big and strong baby boy. The issue we're still struggling with is his sleeping habits. At this stage, I understand babies should be sleeping through the night or at least only waking up once or twice, but our boy can be up five or six times each night.
My wife and I haven't had a good night's rest since last April. I expect we won't be able to for a long while yet, and it's a daunting prospect. You certainly get used to it and deal with it, but going to work tired isn't a good thing and wanting to get some sleep as soon as he drops off around 8:30 or 9pm means you hardly have time to yourselves. The problem is he's far too comfortable sleeping in the big bed and doesn't like his own cot.
I don' t know where we went wrong in the past but this means that if he does drop off and we move him into his cot, he is awake as soon as he touches the thing. He cries and wails. It's really not a pleasant thing to have to handle in the middle of the night when you can hardly keep your eyes open. The pressure of course is more on mum and you can only do what you can do to be there and support them both. I do at least have 'my jobs' - like sterilising the bottles, giving him breakfast in the morning, changing nappies and bathing him a few times a week, so there is a bond the two of us have developed.
Thinking back to before he was born, we had both been worried about being good parents and knowing what to do. Thankfully, parenthood came quite naturally - afterall though you can't do it any other way, as the little thing is solely dependent on you. Maybe his poor sleeping habits (sleep association is a phrase that comes up a lot when we look for solutions) is a result of us being a bit lacklustre as parents?
As a result, I'm beginning to dread the night-times. Sure, he'll drop off after a bath and a bottle of milk but soon enough, he'll be up and wailing again. You go to bed feeling good and happy but in the night time, it's really tough. Each and every night both him and us are up constantly.
But, perhaps it's a phase. Perhaps it's just his age. Maybe it's too hot or too cold for him. Maybe he's uncomfortable about something.
In the past week, he's been able to stand up on his own, provided he is supported by something. A huge milestone. At some point he'll manage to stand up on his own unaided and then he'll be walking. Daytimes might get more difficult for us too. People keep telling us things get easier but goodness, it feels like it's only got harder and harder.
And I haven't even mentioned my wife's Jury Service, which has started this week.
On the whole he is a very happy, smiley, big and strong baby boy. The issue we're still struggling with is his sleeping habits. At this stage, I understand babies should be sleeping through the night or at least only waking up once or twice, but our boy can be up five or six times each night.
My wife and I haven't had a good night's rest since last April. I expect we won't be able to for a long while yet, and it's a daunting prospect. You certainly get used to it and deal with it, but going to work tired isn't a good thing and wanting to get some sleep as soon as he drops off around 8:30 or 9pm means you hardly have time to yourselves. The problem is he's far too comfortable sleeping in the big bed and doesn't like his own cot.
I don' t know where we went wrong in the past but this means that if he does drop off and we move him into his cot, he is awake as soon as he touches the thing. He cries and wails. It's really not a pleasant thing to have to handle in the middle of the night when you can hardly keep your eyes open. The pressure of course is more on mum and you can only do what you can do to be there and support them both. I do at least have 'my jobs' - like sterilising the bottles, giving him breakfast in the morning, changing nappies and bathing him a few times a week, so there is a bond the two of us have developed.
Thinking back to before he was born, we had both been worried about being good parents and knowing what to do. Thankfully, parenthood came quite naturally - afterall though you can't do it any other way, as the little thing is solely dependent on you. Maybe his poor sleeping habits (sleep association is a phrase that comes up a lot when we look for solutions) is a result of us being a bit lacklustre as parents?
As a result, I'm beginning to dread the night-times. Sure, he'll drop off after a bath and a bottle of milk but soon enough, he'll be up and wailing again. You go to bed feeling good and happy but in the night time, it's really tough. Each and every night both him and us are up constantly.
But, perhaps it's a phase. Perhaps it's just his age. Maybe it's too hot or too cold for him. Maybe he's uncomfortable about something.
In the past week, he's been able to stand up on his own, provided he is supported by something. A huge milestone. At some point he'll manage to stand up on his own unaided and then he'll be walking. Daytimes might get more difficult for us too. People keep telling us things get easier but goodness, it feels like it's only got harder and harder.
And I haven't even mentioned my wife's Jury Service, which has started this week.
Wednesday, 6 January 2016
A Tortured Soul
I feel pretty drained right now. I have felt very anxious all day waiting for the time to come to visit the care home to be present at an assessment for mum. It was intended that it be the first time mum and dad would see each other since he had the attack (a whopping 8 weeks ago), but it didn't quite happen on this occasion and probably best that it didn't, even though dad would have liked to see her. Given the recent condition she's been in, it perhaps would not have been a good idea.
I don't feel any relief from the meeting as there are still quite a few things that need to happen. There were a bunch of different people present, which I was encouraged about. That and the fact that they all want what's best for mum, for my dad, and for the current residents and staff.
There was a district nurse from the Continuing Care team. She advised that based on the notes she had already reviewed, she understood that a full assessment was required as opposed to whatever other lesser-degree assessment is normally given. She led the meeting and took lots of details that she needs to write up a report on before sending it to 'the panel', who if I understand correctly, give the yay or nay about what next steps we can or cannot proceed with in terms of mum's care.
There was the lady from social services that I have been in contact with regularly over the past 8 weeks. She is key in getting extensions of stay and appropriate funding and other approvals from the council. It was very nice to finally meet her.
There was a chap who was a mental health social worker, although I'm not entirely sure what team or department he was from, but provided a thorough and useful report to the other people present after having spent an afternoon with mum very recently.
And of course there was the Senior Care Worker and Assistant Manager from the care home, who provided everyone with the key information and feedback that was so important for the report, which will in turn affect how things pan out from here.
The key issue is that the care home can't cope.
It was not a pleasant experience having to sit through some of the things they had to report about mum. I had known about them to a degree but to have to have someone need to write up on it is another thing. I'm glad dad is hard of hearing as it would not have been good for him to know all of what was being discussed about mum's behaviour.
The assessment followed 11 categories that we needed to work though. These included Behaviour, Cognition, Psychological and Emotional Needs, Communication, Mobility, Nutrition (Food and Drink), Continence, Skin (including tissue viability), Breathing, Drug Therapies and Medication (Symptom Control) and Altered States of Consciousness (ASC).
At each stage, different aspects of mum's care requirements were brought to light and built up a picture of the requirements that should be suggested going forward. What is next is out of my hands. I'm very conscious of mum's own safety and those of the other residents and the staff there - they simply can't cope but will have to carry on as best they can until any decision is made to move her to another facility or for the care home to receive extra help.
All in all though this is likely to mean mum will stay put for at least another month. If things get so bad that something drastic happens as a result of mum's behaviour... well, I really don't know what is suppose to happen. All that anyone can do now is carry on as they have done and wait.
As I say, I did feel encouraged about the fact that so many people had come together with the common goal of doing what's best for her. The care home assistant manager had commented how mum was a tortured soul, and that the whole thing is very sad, as they know themselves just as I know that mum is a very cheerful and affectionate lady. It's just proof of how horrid this dementia thing is.
I don't feel any relief from the meeting as there are still quite a few things that need to happen. There were a bunch of different people present, which I was encouraged about. That and the fact that they all want what's best for mum, for my dad, and for the current residents and staff.
There was a district nurse from the Continuing Care team. She advised that based on the notes she had already reviewed, she understood that a full assessment was required as opposed to whatever other lesser-degree assessment is normally given. She led the meeting and took lots of details that she needs to write up a report on before sending it to 'the panel', who if I understand correctly, give the yay or nay about what next steps we can or cannot proceed with in terms of mum's care.
There was the lady from social services that I have been in contact with regularly over the past 8 weeks. She is key in getting extensions of stay and appropriate funding and other approvals from the council. It was very nice to finally meet her.
There was a chap who was a mental health social worker, although I'm not entirely sure what team or department he was from, but provided a thorough and useful report to the other people present after having spent an afternoon with mum very recently.
And of course there was the Senior Care Worker and Assistant Manager from the care home, who provided everyone with the key information and feedback that was so important for the report, which will in turn affect how things pan out from here.
The key issue is that the care home can't cope.
It was not a pleasant experience having to sit through some of the things they had to report about mum. I had known about them to a degree but to have to have someone need to write up on it is another thing. I'm glad dad is hard of hearing as it would not have been good for him to know all of what was being discussed about mum's behaviour.
The assessment followed 11 categories that we needed to work though. These included Behaviour, Cognition, Psychological and Emotional Needs, Communication, Mobility, Nutrition (Food and Drink), Continence, Skin (including tissue viability), Breathing, Drug Therapies and Medication (Symptom Control) and Altered States of Consciousness (ASC).
At each stage, different aspects of mum's care requirements were brought to light and built up a picture of the requirements that should be suggested going forward. What is next is out of my hands. I'm very conscious of mum's own safety and those of the other residents and the staff there - they simply can't cope but will have to carry on as best they can until any decision is made to move her to another facility or for the care home to receive extra help.
All in all though this is likely to mean mum will stay put for at least another month. If things get so bad that something drastic happens as a result of mum's behaviour... well, I really don't know what is suppose to happen. All that anyone can do now is carry on as they have done and wait.
As I say, I did feel encouraged about the fact that so many people had come together with the common goal of doing what's best for her. The care home assistant manager had commented how mum was a tortured soul, and that the whole thing is very sad, as they know themselves just as I know that mum is a very cheerful and affectionate lady. It's just proof of how horrid this dementia thing is.
Friday, 1 January 2016
A Happy Start to the New Year
It's amazing how things can change from one day to the next. Yesterday, seeing my mum in such a state put me in a sorry mood and I went to bed after seeing in the New Year with the other half and the in-laws thinking that mum might too be awake, but blissfully unaware that it was 2016 and wondering what the noise might be outside. I imagined her getting out of bed, confused and scared at being somewhere still unfamiliar, despite having been there the best part of 8 weeks, and even wailing or calling for me like she has been lately.
Each bed is apparently alarmed and the staff know when the residents move out of their beds. Whenever we've tried to put mum into bed for a nap at our place, we too suddenly find her appearing silently at the living room door 5 minutes later, having not settled and following her instincts to have a wander. It's quite disconcerting having her pop up suddenly like that. This is what happens where she is now. The nightime shift have had quite a challenge on their hands.
Today, I was in two minds about visiting her yesterday. I even said to my other half that I don't think I could face seeing her, especially if she was in the same agitated state.
This morning we visited my father who, thankfully, is making a good recovery and getting back to a fit state. It's amazing that not long ago, he was cut open and had his insides fiddled about with. He had a scar running all up his left left from his ankle to his groin and another on his chest. Pretty gruesome. But, he is getting back to being more mobile, getting things straightened out in the house, and looking and sounding more like his old self. I make a point of not mentioning too much about mum when we talk and haven't told him exactly how she had been the last few days. To go into detail wouldn't be good for him right now - but of course we do have the assessment next week which I'm dreading already. It'll be the first time they'll have seen eachother since that Tuesday morning which triggered everything since then.
I just hope social services and/or the continuing care team manage to put together the best and right package for them. Part of me though wonders if that means an even longer - or even indefinite - stay in the care home...
Today, I actually held my breath as I parked up at the care home. I was alone today. It's quite a challenge with our lad wriggling and being restless as he is now. The main entrance leads into the small reception area where you sign the visitors book. and you need a card to get through to the main foyer inside before going to the separate wings / suites. I've been given a card to use temporarily so that someone needn't have to buzz me through each section, so it makes it easier for me to go straight in and see her. I pass into the main central area, with a hairdresser and other offices, and take a right beyond the stairwell to the suite where she stays in with 8 or 9 other residents.
The first thing I do as I approach the day room is listen out for her voice. If someone were to be distressed or crying, it would be her. I remember that evening I visited and found her quite hysterical, and it's not a nice feeling. The next thing is to look at the row of seats you first see when the door comes into view. That's where she usually is and sure enough, there she was today.
She looked so much better. She even stood up to greet me and I gave her a big hug. It might sound silly to some people reading that but it makes all the difference in this situation. Her mood was totally different from yesterday. Clearly she must have been able to have a good rest after being so exhausted and upset. It was a pleasure just to sit and stay with her for a while, enjoy a cup of tea together, show her some photos on my phone (she forgets or doesn't realise she has a grandson, and never remembers his name), and just let her say whatever she wants to say.
What will make another difference - and what I'm kicking myself for not doing sooner - is making her room a little more homely. All the other residents have a lot of personal effects in their rooms. They are of course permanent residents but mum's room is still bare, save for a few photos we added there early on. One of the members of staff, a lady we've seen only a couple of times before but has been particularly helpful and considerate towards mum, suggested I take some items from home to keep there. Photos, blankets, pillows, anything that she would normally surround herself with.
We hadn't considered this before, besides bringing her clothes and necessities, and the other staff members hadn't mentinoed we do this either. She was of course only meant to be there a week. At least it will make her room a little like her own environment back home with dad. There are a few items that I know I could bring to make things more familiar to her, and it might help her settle down to sleep, or to help her not feel so afraid whenever she wakes up wondering where she is.
Of course, hindsight is a wonderful thing and proves that understanding dementia and how to handle it isn't something easily done. But today's visit has at least been positive. As we sat there together, she nodded off in her chair, and I took the opportunity to leave her in that comfortable state. I was also at least assured that the members of staff on hand were those that mum felt very comfortable around. Perhaps this is a very important thing too - the staff who are looking after her at the time. It certainly made a difference today.
We can only wait to see how she is the next time I or we visit her.
Each bed is apparently alarmed and the staff know when the residents move out of their beds. Whenever we've tried to put mum into bed for a nap at our place, we too suddenly find her appearing silently at the living room door 5 minutes later, having not settled and following her instincts to have a wander. It's quite disconcerting having her pop up suddenly like that. This is what happens where she is now. The nightime shift have had quite a challenge on their hands.
Today, I was in two minds about visiting her yesterday. I even said to my other half that I don't think I could face seeing her, especially if she was in the same agitated state.
This morning we visited my father who, thankfully, is making a good recovery and getting back to a fit state. It's amazing that not long ago, he was cut open and had his insides fiddled about with. He had a scar running all up his left left from his ankle to his groin and another on his chest. Pretty gruesome. But, he is getting back to being more mobile, getting things straightened out in the house, and looking and sounding more like his old self. I make a point of not mentioning too much about mum when we talk and haven't told him exactly how she had been the last few days. To go into detail wouldn't be good for him right now - but of course we do have the assessment next week which I'm dreading already. It'll be the first time they'll have seen eachother since that Tuesday morning which triggered everything since then.
I just hope social services and/or the continuing care team manage to put together the best and right package for them. Part of me though wonders if that means an even longer - or even indefinite - stay in the care home...
Today, I actually held my breath as I parked up at the care home. I was alone today. It's quite a challenge with our lad wriggling and being restless as he is now. The main entrance leads into the small reception area where you sign the visitors book. and you need a card to get through to the main foyer inside before going to the separate wings / suites. I've been given a card to use temporarily so that someone needn't have to buzz me through each section, so it makes it easier for me to go straight in and see her. I pass into the main central area, with a hairdresser and other offices, and take a right beyond the stairwell to the suite where she stays in with 8 or 9 other residents.
The first thing I do as I approach the day room is listen out for her voice. If someone were to be distressed or crying, it would be her. I remember that evening I visited and found her quite hysterical, and it's not a nice feeling. The next thing is to look at the row of seats you first see when the door comes into view. That's where she usually is and sure enough, there she was today.
She looked so much better. She even stood up to greet me and I gave her a big hug. It might sound silly to some people reading that but it makes all the difference in this situation. Her mood was totally different from yesterday. Clearly she must have been able to have a good rest after being so exhausted and upset. It was a pleasure just to sit and stay with her for a while, enjoy a cup of tea together, show her some photos on my phone (she forgets or doesn't realise she has a grandson, and never remembers his name), and just let her say whatever she wants to say.
What will make another difference - and what I'm kicking myself for not doing sooner - is making her room a little more homely. All the other residents have a lot of personal effects in their rooms. They are of course permanent residents but mum's room is still bare, save for a few photos we added there early on. One of the members of staff, a lady we've seen only a couple of times before but has been particularly helpful and considerate towards mum, suggested I take some items from home to keep there. Photos, blankets, pillows, anything that she would normally surround herself with.
We hadn't considered this before, besides bringing her clothes and necessities, and the other staff members hadn't mentinoed we do this either. She was of course only meant to be there a week. At least it will make her room a little like her own environment back home with dad. There are a few items that I know I could bring to make things more familiar to her, and it might help her settle down to sleep, or to help her not feel so afraid whenever she wakes up wondering where she is.
Of course, hindsight is a wonderful thing and proves that understanding dementia and how to handle it isn't something easily done. But today's visit has at least been positive. As we sat there together, she nodded off in her chair, and I took the opportunity to leave her in that comfortable state. I was also at least assured that the members of staff on hand were those that mum felt very comfortable around. Perhaps this is a very important thing too - the staff who are looking after her at the time. It certainly made a difference today.
We can only wait to see how she is the next time I or we visit her.
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