It's one thing hearing how agitated and distressed your mother is from a care worker over the telephone and it's another thing to see it for yourself.
New Year's Eve and the day after being told that mum had 'assaulted' a care worker and had been aggressive towards another resident. These are things you really don't want to hear about your own mother and I'm still reeling after hearing it the first time, even after seeing her myself today.
My wife and I visited mid-morning after the team would have gone through the normal morning routine of getting the residents up and cleaned, dressed and given their breakfast. What I was most acutely aware of was the environment that was due to greet us as we entered the day room. We recognise all the other residents and know most of their names now, as we do with the care team. There must be 7 or 8 different members of staff that we've seen in and out of the 'wing' that my mum is staying at and today we were greeted by two of the most regular of them. I may have been paranoid but I almost felt like the staff were a little stand-offish with us and her.
Mum did look rather distressed and we later found out that she had hardly slept, so is obviously exhausted from not sleeping. A couple of hours a night and a catnap or two during the day isn't nearly enough for her. One of the other residents - a very pleasant and the most vocal of the other ladies there - came in using her frame (she is still quite mobile) and showed off the huge bandage covering her hand. Immediately we put the two together - that mum had hurt this lady by scratching her, as had been reported to me over the telephone. An awful thing to have to think about but the lady seemed rather nonchalant about it, even going so far as to say she didn't remember how it happened. Later on, we were told by the staff that mum didn't hurt her at all and it was due to another accident, so this at least put our minds at rest, but begs the question why I was told such a thing in the first place.
Over the time we were there, she became very distressed. She would cry and wail and tell us terrible things. So, it was now that we saw for ourselves just how upset she has been lately. We were able to get her to her room but she couldn't go to the toilet on her own properly. An awful thing to have to witness but again, all part of her condition and state of mind now. Fortunately, those two members of staff helped us give her a wash down and change of clothes, but it was a very, very difficult thing for them to accomplish - and even worse for me to witness.
I have never seen my mother like that before. It is a terrible thing to have to see and be useless too. You have to hand it to the staff - they are trained in dealing with such patients (at least, this is what we are led to believe and we put our trust and faith in their capabilities of course), and it was good to see how they handled and comforted her during the process. I have to admit though, they've always exhibited the same approach to her and the other residents whenever we've been in the day room.
The problem is, which is what became evident after the first few days of her stay there, is the lack of sleep. She simply isn't sleeping long enough to be well rested. As a result, she is agitated and distressed and this in itself could be causing hallucinations and who knows what else. Right now, I expect she is still distressed and wanting to 'go home' and being very much non-compliant. She said herself many times, quite clearly, that she didn't like people telling her what to do all the time. You simply can't get her to understand that the staff are there to help her and not to harm her. We saw for ourselves how she didn't like them handling her, but she doesn't understand they are there to help her and make her feel better. She is rejecting their help and feeling distressed when they need to finish their job. It puts more strain on them and means mum won't get the help she needs. It's a vicious circle.
It was hard to take any positives away from today's visit. Tomorrow is New Year's Day, 1st January 2016 and we'll visit again. I hope that whatever distressed state she is in won't be a sign of things to come for the year ahead. But who knows, she might surprise us all.
Thursday, 31 December 2015
Wednesday, 30 December 2015
The Assault
It's been a pretty rough end to 2015. After what happened at the end of 2013, my wife and I thought it really couldn't get any worse and it hasn't to be honest. The sadness we felt at that time can't be compared with anything before or since then, but I speak for myself when I say that. This December, it's just been worry after worry about things and I don't see how things will improve going in to the New Year.
I visited mum briefly the other day at the care home. She was sat with her head in her hand, almost dozing off but perked up as soon as she saw me enter the day room. The other residents were sat around either in the big comfy chairs or at the dining tables behind. Apparently mum does ask for me or speaks about me a lot. Whenever I'm there she also makes a point of mentioning to whoever might be listening that I'm her son. This is a good thing, but I'm afraid this means I might be her only source of happiness, comfort, trust or 'compliance' and it worries me that I might not be up to the job if I'm needed for something important. I don't even know what I mean by that, else I can't quite put it into words...
The next evening, I spoke to one of the managers of the care home who, as was her duty, wanted to keep me in the picture about how things were going. My mum had apparently assaulted one of the staff and also tried to do the same with another resident. You can imagine this came as quite a shock and I didn't know what to say. It's a completely alien thing to be told that your 75 year old mother is being aggressive to other people. This of course poses some big problems going into the New Year and its potential effect on her discharge plan and ongoing care if she is to go home to dad.
I saw him today myself and he was looking well, but finding the house very quiet. I had a lump in my throat when I read the card he wrote to my mum: "Missing you" was what he wrote. I couldn't bring myself to read it to mum when I delivered it to her, but I had learnt at the time that she can't read either now.
On the subject of reading and writing, what made my heart sink today was getting rid of some old diaries going back to 1999 to around 2002, when she kept a regular diary going. In her own broken English, she would write things like how I might have popped home for lunch, or that she went to the doctors, or that dad was unwell. There were also things I read that I knew she wrote at the time but struck an awful chord with me reading them now - about how often she felt unhappy or unwell. I was in two minds about keeping them or discarding them, but decided that I'd rather not my father read them or anyone else, and made sure they were gone for good.
I plan on visiting mum tomorrow but feel acutely anxious about it. I know that the care team are trained and might even be used to such behaviour from the residents, but I'm told they are stuggling with mum and are looking for ways of making things better for them and for her, by way of one-to-one care which needs some assistance from the council or the state. This means that the team will be wary of her behaviour. I even feel guilty myself about mum lashing out and hurting someone else. She has always been a caring, gentle and loving human being but I keep wondering what things in her past might be brought to the surface through the dementia and as things worsen, she's being less and less compliant and denying the help being given by the home.
Next week will be the first week back at work yet I still have to take time out straight off the bat to take dad their for the re-assessment with the Continuing Care team. I expect by then though the GP will have visited her and maybe even a member of the Mental Health team given the recent incidents, but it's still another week until the formal assessment is carried out and goodness knows how long after that before any action it taken. What else might mum do while the days and weeks pass? Will she be even more upset and distressed?
Come mid-January, my wife will have Jury Service too - another worry, because I'll have to be away from the office and somehow look after our by, who will be 9 months old by then. Thankfully my in-laws will still be here for the first few days, but after that? On January 12th, mum is suppoed to leave the care home, but how will dad cope? How will any of us cope?
What are the next steps? As I approach the end of the year, 2016 will immediately start with me worrying about my mother's deteroriating behaviour due to the dementia, my father being home alone and missing her but not knowing the full story of what's going on, the arrangements with Jury Service, looking after our son and taking time off work or away from the office... to be honest, I feel pretty rubbish about things already, and only just managing to keep my head high and a smile on my face.
I keep telling myself that there are so many more people worse off that I and we are, and that things could also be a whole lot worse. So, we'll make the most of it - there is little you can do but get on and deal with it, and that's what I'll do.
I visited mum briefly the other day at the care home. She was sat with her head in her hand, almost dozing off but perked up as soon as she saw me enter the day room. The other residents were sat around either in the big comfy chairs or at the dining tables behind. Apparently mum does ask for me or speaks about me a lot. Whenever I'm there she also makes a point of mentioning to whoever might be listening that I'm her son. This is a good thing, but I'm afraid this means I might be her only source of happiness, comfort, trust or 'compliance' and it worries me that I might not be up to the job if I'm needed for something important. I don't even know what I mean by that, else I can't quite put it into words...
The next evening, I spoke to one of the managers of the care home who, as was her duty, wanted to keep me in the picture about how things were going. My mum had apparently assaulted one of the staff and also tried to do the same with another resident. You can imagine this came as quite a shock and I didn't know what to say. It's a completely alien thing to be told that your 75 year old mother is being aggressive to other people. This of course poses some big problems going into the New Year and its potential effect on her discharge plan and ongoing care if she is to go home to dad.
I saw him today myself and he was looking well, but finding the house very quiet. I had a lump in my throat when I read the card he wrote to my mum: "Missing you" was what he wrote. I couldn't bring myself to read it to mum when I delivered it to her, but I had learnt at the time that she can't read either now.
On the subject of reading and writing, what made my heart sink today was getting rid of some old diaries going back to 1999 to around 2002, when she kept a regular diary going. In her own broken English, she would write things like how I might have popped home for lunch, or that she went to the doctors, or that dad was unwell. There were also things I read that I knew she wrote at the time but struck an awful chord with me reading them now - about how often she felt unhappy or unwell. I was in two minds about keeping them or discarding them, but decided that I'd rather not my father read them or anyone else, and made sure they were gone for good.
I plan on visiting mum tomorrow but feel acutely anxious about it. I know that the care team are trained and might even be used to such behaviour from the residents, but I'm told they are stuggling with mum and are looking for ways of making things better for them and for her, by way of one-to-one care which needs some assistance from the council or the state. This means that the team will be wary of her behaviour. I even feel guilty myself about mum lashing out and hurting someone else. She has always been a caring, gentle and loving human being but I keep wondering what things in her past might be brought to the surface through the dementia and as things worsen, she's being less and less compliant and denying the help being given by the home.
Next week will be the first week back at work yet I still have to take time out straight off the bat to take dad their for the re-assessment with the Continuing Care team. I expect by then though the GP will have visited her and maybe even a member of the Mental Health team given the recent incidents, but it's still another week until the formal assessment is carried out and goodness knows how long after that before any action it taken. What else might mum do while the days and weeks pass? Will she be even more upset and distressed?
Come mid-January, my wife will have Jury Service too - another worry, because I'll have to be away from the office and somehow look after our by, who will be 9 months old by then. Thankfully my in-laws will still be here for the first few days, but after that? On January 12th, mum is suppoed to leave the care home, but how will dad cope? How will any of us cope?
What are the next steps? As I approach the end of the year, 2016 will immediately start with me worrying about my mother's deteroriating behaviour due to the dementia, my father being home alone and missing her but not knowing the full story of what's going on, the arrangements with Jury Service, looking after our son and taking time off work or away from the office... to be honest, I feel pretty rubbish about things already, and only just managing to keep my head high and a smile on my face.
I keep telling myself that there are so many more people worse off that I and we are, and that things could also be a whole lot worse. So, we'll make the most of it - there is little you can do but get on and deal with it, and that's what I'll do.
Wednesday, 23 December 2015
A Different Christmas
This will be the first Christmas that I haven't spent with both of my parents present. It seems an odd thing to say given that I'm 36 years old coming up to 37 but I'm pretty sure I've never been away anywhere for Christmas and while it might have happened in different places, they were always together on the day.
My dad is recovering well after his surgery. The scars are healing up and he's back into some sort of routine at home, but has already expressed that the house is a bit too quiet. The next few days will be difficult- I really don't know whether he should visit mum knowing that she can't come home, and I'm not sure how mum will react seeing him and what will happen when we have to go.
I'm thinking back now to when I was young and now much time I'd spend looking around the house for presents my parents had hid away for me. We would usually let mum open her presents first and then I'd be the last. I liked to savour the moment, even from a young age. It was always a difficult thing buying stuff for mum. I do remember in recent years though - in the last ten years - before the dementia really kicked in - that we got her a coat that she really wanted. She was ecstatic. I still have the photos of her looking radiant. She was already loosing her hair and exhibiting some strange behaviours. This is what made the last years of my living at home with them really difficult, especially since dad had got through his nasty episode of Meniere's Disease and other problems.
Mum too had her own problems, but going back a bit further. I recently popped into the local chemist to pick up a prescription for my dad, and introduced myself to the lady there who knew both of my parents very well. She had been working there for more than 20 years and had seen both of them regularly over the years when they collected their various medications. The lady mentioned how she had a hand in saving my mum's life at one time. I do remember mum going through a period when she used to consume a lot of Alka-Seltzer tablets. She wouldn't take them in a glass of water or to help with any upset stomach , it was a habit that got out of control. Apparently, this lady in the chemist flat refused to sell it to her at one point. Very soon after that, she went into hospital with problems with an ulcer.
I remember that visit to the hospital quite clearly. There was a junior doctor listening to mum explaining what was happening. He looked very nervous. Whatever happened next was a blur but mum got the help she needed and didn't touch the stuff afterwards.
I can see in the photos that I've taken since that Christmas day I mentioned earlier how older and more frail she has become. Loosing her hair was a strange thing - but she also went through a period of looking for and picking out the white hairs. Another strange habit. In more recent years, she would polish her nails and use remover to clean them off, and then apply polish again. She's do this every day for a good few months. The last thing she appeared to give up was doing crossword puzzles. She'd be very good at those, until at some point the books were just left unattended.
It was very sad to realise that this was all happening but looking back now, I can see all the signs of dementia. The worse of it though was her behaviour. I had always believed that my leaving home was a big part of her going the way she did. Not having me there meant that her attentions were diverted elsewhere. Perhaps it was also evidence of a poor relationship with my father - this is something I had always considered. I do know how much they love each other but with their deteriorating health and day to day challenges as a result of it, I can imagine things were not particularly comfortable in that household anymore.
This year, mum won't even realise it's Christmas. Yes there will be a Christmas Tree in the common room, and tinsel and decorations, and Christmas music and TV shows, but she won't grasp the fact it's that time of year. She wouldn't know it if she were home either. Come Friday, my dad will dine with us and my in-laws, but mum won't be there. I wonder how he too feels about this, but I dread bringing up the subject given how emotional he is about everything that has happened in the past 6 weeks.
Truly a very different Christmas this time around.
My dad is recovering well after his surgery. The scars are healing up and he's back into some sort of routine at home, but has already expressed that the house is a bit too quiet. The next few days will be difficult- I really don't know whether he should visit mum knowing that she can't come home, and I'm not sure how mum will react seeing him and what will happen when we have to go.
I'm thinking back now to when I was young and now much time I'd spend looking around the house for presents my parents had hid away for me. We would usually let mum open her presents first and then I'd be the last. I liked to savour the moment, even from a young age. It was always a difficult thing buying stuff for mum. I do remember in recent years though - in the last ten years - before the dementia really kicked in - that we got her a coat that she really wanted. She was ecstatic. I still have the photos of her looking radiant. She was already loosing her hair and exhibiting some strange behaviours. This is what made the last years of my living at home with them really difficult, especially since dad had got through his nasty episode of Meniere's Disease and other problems.
Mum too had her own problems, but going back a bit further. I recently popped into the local chemist to pick up a prescription for my dad, and introduced myself to the lady there who knew both of my parents very well. She had been working there for more than 20 years and had seen both of them regularly over the years when they collected their various medications. The lady mentioned how she had a hand in saving my mum's life at one time. I do remember mum going through a period when she used to consume a lot of Alka-Seltzer tablets. She wouldn't take them in a glass of water or to help with any upset stomach , it was a habit that got out of control. Apparently, this lady in the chemist flat refused to sell it to her at one point. Very soon after that, she went into hospital with problems with an ulcer.
I remember that visit to the hospital quite clearly. There was a junior doctor listening to mum explaining what was happening. He looked very nervous. Whatever happened next was a blur but mum got the help she needed and didn't touch the stuff afterwards.
I can see in the photos that I've taken since that Christmas day I mentioned earlier how older and more frail she has become. Loosing her hair was a strange thing - but she also went through a period of looking for and picking out the white hairs. Another strange habit. In more recent years, she would polish her nails and use remover to clean them off, and then apply polish again. She's do this every day for a good few months. The last thing she appeared to give up was doing crossword puzzles. She'd be very good at those, until at some point the books were just left unattended.
It was very sad to realise that this was all happening but looking back now, I can see all the signs of dementia. The worse of it though was her behaviour. I had always believed that my leaving home was a big part of her going the way she did. Not having me there meant that her attentions were diverted elsewhere. Perhaps it was also evidence of a poor relationship with my father - this is something I had always considered. I do know how much they love each other but with their deteriorating health and day to day challenges as a result of it, I can imagine things were not particularly comfortable in that household anymore.
This year, mum won't even realise it's Christmas. Yes there will be a Christmas Tree in the common room, and tinsel and decorations, and Christmas music and TV shows, but she won't grasp the fact it's that time of year. She wouldn't know it if she were home either. Come Friday, my dad will dine with us and my in-laws, but mum won't be there. I wonder how he too feels about this, but I dread bringing up the subject given how emotional he is about everything that has happened in the past 6 weeks.
Truly a very different Christmas this time around.
Friday, 18 December 2015
A Heavy Heart
This week, much to everyone's relief, my father was discharged from hospital, the best part of 5 weeks since he went in. When I arrived at the hospital, he was already dressed and waiting to leave. He said a tearful Goodbye and expressed his thanks to the team that looked after him, and to one nurse who had been particularly helpful and considerate to him during his stay.
I too remember the same nurse on the day dad arrived. She had given us her name and asked us to call for her if we needed anything. Funny how she was there right from the beginning and was the last person we said Bye to at the end.
Mum's stay in the care home has been extended until January, which means dad now has time to get some rest and for us to sort out ongoing care arrangements. He has been staying with us but is keen to get home himself. We are a little worried about him being on his own but so long as he takes things easy, he'll be OK.
What I feel most anxious about today though is my mum. We haven't seen her since last Saturday when, on arrival at the care home, she was tearful and agitated, walking around the common room with only one sock on and - which was most concerning - had a small swelling on her left cheek. It has been many days and nights since we saw her but owing to spending time with dad and work commitments, we just haven't been able to get over to see her. I wonder how she will react when she does notice us coming in the room, like she normally does.
My wife and I are also conscious about whether dad should visit her. We've agreed it's probably not the best thing to do just yet. Dad isn't very mobile and his emotions will certainly get the better of him. Will mum even remember who he is? In the past when we've taken mum out with us for a few hours to give dad a break, she's even then began to forget him. It's been over 5 weeks now since they've been separated and I'm worried about the reunion. It's going to happen at some point, but I'm dreading the point at which dad would need to leave and leave her there...
In the background, my wife and I are coping best we can with our baby boy. He's now over 8 months old and growing stronger and stronger. He's gone from army crawling to almost being able to crawl on all fours, and he's able to pull himself up on things. Our flat is quickly running out of space. In the next couple of days, my dad will be able to go home alone but it's really a necessity, as my wife's parents are due to visit and stay with us over the Christmas break and into the New Year. I'm quite looking forward to that, but it's just a shame that my parents have to be separate in the way they are.
I also wonder how things will pan out for Christmas and the New Year with my mum. We've got dad sorted out, finally, and that's a good thing. Now my heart goes out to my mum - that poor frail being sitting there in a place she doesn't really want to be, and perhaps at times wondering why she's there and why we're not with her.
Indeed, despite the good progress with my dad, my heart is very heavy today.
I too remember the same nurse on the day dad arrived. She had given us her name and asked us to call for her if we needed anything. Funny how she was there right from the beginning and was the last person we said Bye to at the end.
Mum's stay in the care home has been extended until January, which means dad now has time to get some rest and for us to sort out ongoing care arrangements. He has been staying with us but is keen to get home himself. We are a little worried about him being on his own but so long as he takes things easy, he'll be OK.
What I feel most anxious about today though is my mum. We haven't seen her since last Saturday when, on arrival at the care home, she was tearful and agitated, walking around the common room with only one sock on and - which was most concerning - had a small swelling on her left cheek. It has been many days and nights since we saw her but owing to spending time with dad and work commitments, we just haven't been able to get over to see her. I wonder how she will react when she does notice us coming in the room, like she normally does.
My wife and I are also conscious about whether dad should visit her. We've agreed it's probably not the best thing to do just yet. Dad isn't very mobile and his emotions will certainly get the better of him. Will mum even remember who he is? In the past when we've taken mum out with us for a few hours to give dad a break, she's even then began to forget him. It's been over 5 weeks now since they've been separated and I'm worried about the reunion. It's going to happen at some point, but I'm dreading the point at which dad would need to leave and leave her there...
In the background, my wife and I are coping best we can with our baby boy. He's now over 8 months old and growing stronger and stronger. He's gone from army crawling to almost being able to crawl on all fours, and he's able to pull himself up on things. Our flat is quickly running out of space. In the next couple of days, my dad will be able to go home alone but it's really a necessity, as my wife's parents are due to visit and stay with us over the Christmas break and into the New Year. I'm quite looking forward to that, but it's just a shame that my parents have to be separate in the way they are.
I also wonder how things will pan out for Christmas and the New Year with my mum. We've got dad sorted out, finally, and that's a good thing. Now my heart goes out to my mum - that poor frail being sitting there in a place she doesn't really want to be, and perhaps at times wondering why she's there and why we're not with her.
Indeed, despite the good progress with my dad, my heart is very heavy today.
Friday, 11 December 2015
1 Month Later...and Still Going
My father was supposed to be discharged from hospital this past Monday 7th December 2015. But, his released was delayed as the medical team wanted to conduct an echocardiogram or something similar to make sure everything was OK. So, it meant my father spent another night in hospital and it was 4 weeks that Tuesday morning that he had been there.
But, now he is back in the Coronary Care Unit, where he started. That Tuesday was not a good day for him - he had encountered breathing difficulties and pain, which sent the medical staff into red alert and he had been tended to by lots of different people during the day. This was a major setback.
The encouraging thing is that he managed to speak on his mobile phone with me that day. But, he was obviously desperately sad and was panicking about having gone back to square one. His emotions got the better of him and he could hardly speak. Keeping my own composure was important too. I think I've got used to these situations and know that I need to keep a level head myself, especially in his presence. It's totally understandable of course - he was on the cusp of being released and wants to go home, but now faces another potentially long spell in hospital. Long days and sleepless nights. But, he is in a good place and being looked after by the right people. Needless to say though, he won't be coming out any time soon.
Today I spoke with the lady from social services who had been helping us. There are some positive news where mum's stay in the care home is concerned. What I do need to do is sort out the finances - but thankfully this will be covered by mum's savings anyway. I have in the past couple of weeks started to get my head around understanding 'self funded' and the costs involved. Mum's stay in the home will be extended into January, all being well. This will give dad enough time to get out of hospital and get sorted, and for additional care in the community arrangements to be made. I do however have to wait for the letter from the council confirming the plans - and that's if it's approved at all.
And in the background, Christmas creeps up on us. Our son will be 8 months old this weekend. He is a beautiful healthy boy. We are very lucky, it has to be said, but trying to cope with our baby boy, managing dad in hospital and mum in the care home, and to top it all off, us wanting to find a new home (and have already accepted an offer on the sale of our flat), it's been a bit much. I wonder if at some point I'll start to crack myself.
But, now he is back in the Coronary Care Unit, where he started. That Tuesday was not a good day for him - he had encountered breathing difficulties and pain, which sent the medical staff into red alert and he had been tended to by lots of different people during the day. This was a major setback.
The encouraging thing is that he managed to speak on his mobile phone with me that day. But, he was obviously desperately sad and was panicking about having gone back to square one. His emotions got the better of him and he could hardly speak. Keeping my own composure was important too. I think I've got used to these situations and know that I need to keep a level head myself, especially in his presence. It's totally understandable of course - he was on the cusp of being released and wants to go home, but now faces another potentially long spell in hospital. Long days and sleepless nights. But, he is in a good place and being looked after by the right people. Needless to say though, he won't be coming out any time soon.
Today I spoke with the lady from social services who had been helping us. There are some positive news where mum's stay in the care home is concerned. What I do need to do is sort out the finances - but thankfully this will be covered by mum's savings anyway. I have in the past couple of weeks started to get my head around understanding 'self funded' and the costs involved. Mum's stay in the home will be extended into January, all being well. This will give dad enough time to get out of hospital and get sorted, and for additional care in the community arrangements to be made. I do however have to wait for the letter from the council confirming the plans - and that's if it's approved at all.
And in the background, Christmas creeps up on us. Our son will be 8 months old this weekend. He is a beautiful healthy boy. We are very lucky, it has to be said, but trying to cope with our baby boy, managing dad in hospital and mum in the care home, and to top it all off, us wanting to find a new home (and have already accepted an offer on the sale of our flat), it's been a bit much. I wonder if at some point I'll start to crack myself.
Wednesday, 2 December 2015
The Positives
There are some positives to be had from what has happened over the past few weeks. What has been missing thus far of course is a full and proper assessment of mum's condition. Whatever help has been provided has only been on the basis of hearing what dad has had to say and by answering questions and filling a bunch of forms for people. Up until 3 weeks ago, no-one has been able to spend a significant amount of time with mum to understand things better.
What is quite apparent now:
It is the staff at the care home that have now had three weeks to understand the scope and extent of mum's condition, and of course what my dad has had to put up with for a long time now.
They are on the front line, hands on, 24 hours with her. They know her habits and her quirks. They have fed her, washed her, dressed her and tried - with some difficulty it seems - to get her to sleep at night. They can see and understand how she communicates with them and with the other residents and exactly what challenges are faced by someone looking after her.
Surely if they - who are trained to look after such patients - find it difficult or challenging, how is my father supposed to cope on his own at home and in his condition?
So what is next? How can we make sure of this valuable hands-on experience at the care home to properly communicate the needs to social services, the GP and the mental health team, all of whom are involved?
As for my father - he has had his heart bypass operation, not an insignificant procedure, but is in capable hands. I spoke to him 24 hours after the procedure and it was both heart warming and heart breaking. He was groggy and in pain, but at least he could speak. And we will not be able to see him for a few days while he recovers in ICU.
But, the worse is over with and the positive to come out of this of course is that, with proper rest, recuperation and support going forward, he will hopefully have been given a new lease of life. We have the cardiology team to thank for this. What would we do without the NHS?
It has become very clear to me now that I need the support and observation of the care home in order for the proper authorities to understand the requirements and to get the help both my parents need. They are the key going forward.
What is quite apparent now:
- The social services team and individual support workers at the local council could not have properly understood the extent of mum's condition from their visits at home in mum's own environment. An hour or two in their company isn't enough.
- The cognitive impairment and dementia services team from the hospital would not have been able to understand the issues either from answering questions and taking notes on a piece of paper during their visits and assessments. Going in for an appointment and answering questions isn't enough for them to understand how things are. I went to one of these sessions and they could not have had a proper understanding of their requirements.
- Even my parents' GP would not have been able to understand the full scale of it. My dad can tell them the struggles he's had and how challenging it is looking after her, while mum would likely sit their cheerily not understanding what is being said. The GP would only be able to act in their best interests based on snippets of information.
It is the staff at the care home that have now had three weeks to understand the scope and extent of mum's condition, and of course what my dad has had to put up with for a long time now.
They are on the front line, hands on, 24 hours with her. They know her habits and her quirks. They have fed her, washed her, dressed her and tried - with some difficulty it seems - to get her to sleep at night. They can see and understand how she communicates with them and with the other residents and exactly what challenges are faced by someone looking after her.
Surely if they - who are trained to look after such patients - find it difficult or challenging, how is my father supposed to cope on his own at home and in his condition?
So what is next? How can we make sure of this valuable hands-on experience at the care home to properly communicate the needs to social services, the GP and the mental health team, all of whom are involved?
As for my father - he has had his heart bypass operation, not an insignificant procedure, but is in capable hands. I spoke to him 24 hours after the procedure and it was both heart warming and heart breaking. He was groggy and in pain, but at least he could speak. And we will not be able to see him for a few days while he recovers in ICU.
But, the worse is over with and the positive to come out of this of course is that, with proper rest, recuperation and support going forward, he will hopefully have been given a new lease of life. We have the cardiology team to thank for this. What would we do without the NHS?
It has become very clear to me now that I need the support and observation of the care home in order for the proper authorities to understand the requirements and to get the help both my parents need. They are the key going forward.
Tuesday, 1 December 2015
Week 3
I feel exhausted today.
It's now three weeks since dad had his heart/angina attack and since mum went into the care home where she still is. It is three weeks that they have been separated from each other - something which fills me with sorrow like nothing else.
Thinking back to that Tuesday morning 3 weeks ago, dad was being tended to by paramedics and mum was sat in her usual spot on the settee near the window wondering what was going on. The last they will have saw of each other since was when dad was in a chair being carried out the front door and into the ambulance.
I must admit being in a bit of a mess those first few days. I really didn't know what I could do. Since then, it's only been a matter of waiting and letting things take their own course. Right now though I still don't know what should happen in the coming weeks but at least things have made some progress.
My dad had a heart bypass operation yesterday. We saw him on Sunday and it was a terrible feeling when we left. You can imagine what he must have been thinking - that it might be the last time he saw any of us again. My wife was upset and my Aunt (his older sister) was trying to keep composed, but I knew she wanted to make a quick exit to avoid making things worse than they were. I imagine my father trying his best to keep calm while making his way back to the ward - back indoors where he's spent the last 3 weeks, not being able to see or talk to us often and of course not seeing his wife at all.
And all the while, mum is miles away in the care home wondering why she's there and when she'll be going home. Not understanding that dad is sick and isn't able to see her. It's true - she does remember now and then and does (according to the staff there) ask about him often.
Let's not forget that my wife and I are still being kept awake at night by our 7 month old baby boy. It's funny how that has been such a struggle for us at times, despite him being a beautiful healthy boy for the most part. I guess you just get used to it and adapt to the situation. But we really could have done without having to juggle mum being in a care home and dad being stuck in hospitals for weeks at a time.
My wife has been my rock throughout all this. I might not say it or she might not feel the sentiment, but it makes me feel truly lucky to have by my side while I've struggled to make sense of what's going on. It's just been a stressful few years for us and all this comes at a sensitive time - we have 2 years ago on our minds, which is something we shouldn't forget about. Despite the family problems, we are at a time when we are reflecting on what could have been, and the desperate time we faced 2 years ago with the first pregnancy.
Ahead of us now is thinking about dad's rest and recovery. This poses some challenges as he's not allowed to be discharged and go home unless there is someone around to keep an eye on him. He won't be in any fit state to look after mum and mum can't do anything to help him. So, we rely on the local council and social service to help with care in the community. It's something I'm dreading. But the sooner dad can get better, the sooner mum can get home again, and the sooner they can both get on with their lives.
Sadly though, the fact is that mum's condition won't get any better.
It's now three weeks since dad had his heart/angina attack and since mum went into the care home where she still is. It is three weeks that they have been separated from each other - something which fills me with sorrow like nothing else.
Thinking back to that Tuesday morning 3 weeks ago, dad was being tended to by paramedics and mum was sat in her usual spot on the settee near the window wondering what was going on. The last they will have saw of each other since was when dad was in a chair being carried out the front door and into the ambulance.
I must admit being in a bit of a mess those first few days. I really didn't know what I could do. Since then, it's only been a matter of waiting and letting things take their own course. Right now though I still don't know what should happen in the coming weeks but at least things have made some progress.
My dad had a heart bypass operation yesterday. We saw him on Sunday and it was a terrible feeling when we left. You can imagine what he must have been thinking - that it might be the last time he saw any of us again. My wife was upset and my Aunt (his older sister) was trying to keep composed, but I knew she wanted to make a quick exit to avoid making things worse than they were. I imagine my father trying his best to keep calm while making his way back to the ward - back indoors where he's spent the last 3 weeks, not being able to see or talk to us often and of course not seeing his wife at all.
And all the while, mum is miles away in the care home wondering why she's there and when she'll be going home. Not understanding that dad is sick and isn't able to see her. It's true - she does remember now and then and does (according to the staff there) ask about him often.
Let's not forget that my wife and I are still being kept awake at night by our 7 month old baby boy. It's funny how that has been such a struggle for us at times, despite him being a beautiful healthy boy for the most part. I guess you just get used to it and adapt to the situation. But we really could have done without having to juggle mum being in a care home and dad being stuck in hospitals for weeks at a time.
My wife has been my rock throughout all this. I might not say it or she might not feel the sentiment, but it makes me feel truly lucky to have by my side while I've struggled to make sense of what's going on. It's just been a stressful few years for us and all this comes at a sensitive time - we have 2 years ago on our minds, which is something we shouldn't forget about. Despite the family problems, we are at a time when we are reflecting on what could have been, and the desperate time we faced 2 years ago with the first pregnancy.
Ahead of us now is thinking about dad's rest and recovery. This poses some challenges as he's not allowed to be discharged and go home unless there is someone around to keep an eye on him. He won't be in any fit state to look after mum and mum can't do anything to help him. So, we rely on the local council and social service to help with care in the community. It's something I'm dreading. But the sooner dad can get better, the sooner mum can get home again, and the sooner they can both get on with their lives.
Sadly though, the fact is that mum's condition won't get any better.
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