I feel pretty miserable right now. The last few days have been horrible but only because I succumbed to an illness that left me feeling weak and exhausted and hard to concentrate on anything. Plus, I made the mistake of 'being available' to my Company so got roped into lots of urgent tasks that I made me feel even worse. The last thing you need to do when you're not fit to work is... work. It's really frustrating.
Since my last blog entry, the written report from the full assessment we carried out at the care home had been written up proper and a copy sent to all parties, including my father and I. I had told him at the assessment that it was probably a good idea that he didn't hear much of what was being discussed because it wasn't particularly pleasant. But, he needed to read the report and when I spoke to him on the phone on the evening of the day we had both received them, I knew from the tone in his voice that it had affected him quite a bit.
Until then he had been for the most part ignorant of what was going on since he had spent his 5 weeks in hospital and the recovery from his heart bypass operation. But now, having got over the worst of and getting his strength back at home, the true reality much have struck him hard. Even I haven't ready the report from start to finish. I know what's in there but I had picked up the most pertinent points after the very first skim-through. Regardless of what's in there, we all - social services, the care team, our family and of course mum herself - await the decision from the Clinical Commissioning Group, or NHS panel, or whatever they should be called, as to whether she stays on where she is with additional support or gets moved to a nursing home. It's all about the money - if they don't approve and she doesn't get help with the funding, I don't know what happens next.
As for me, I'm pretty much close to breaking point as I write this. The middle of last week I felt absolutely rotten at work and had been under great demand from my job. Wednesday evening was the start of a couple of days of a high fever and a chest complaint. I don't know what it is but I had already booked an appointment to see the GP tomorrow in order to go over my health in general, given that I've been under a huge amount of stress, have lost weight (5 kilos or so) and am generally feeling that the last couple of months seem to be catching up with me - something the district nurse pointed out to me at mum's assessment. Big mistake of me to offer to help out with things at work - I could hardly concentrate on the tasks that normally demand some thought and attention to detail and to follow proper processes. How are you expected to do that when you're sick? I should have turned off my laptop and left it alone that Thursday.
The next two nights were pretty awful - I haven't felt that unwell in a long time. I'm feeling much better today but yet another problem has arisen - that our lad has tonsilitis. He had finished a round of antiobiotics after a GP had said he had a throat infection. He started feeling better when I started feeling ill, but the last couple of days he's been ill himself again. So, off we trot to the NHS Walk In Centre today and thankfully he's seen pretty quickly by a doctor. He has tonsilitis. So, once we're home we try to give him some of his new medicine but what does he do? He throws it up. We change him (and ourselves) and try again and guess what? He throws up again. It's a difficult thing for us to have to cope with, especially with everything else going on.
I haven't seen mum since last Sunday and spoke - with some difficulty as I was pretty sick that day - with the mental health doctor who was visiting mum and who wanted to discuss with me the matter of changing her medication. They are going to try a small dose of an anti-psycotic drug to help with her mood, which in turn should help the care staff be able to give mum the care she needs, rather than being non-compliant or rejecting their assistance. So, I can imagine her being even more groggy and less and less of the person we all use to know her as. But, it's something we have to try, for the sake of her wellbeing as well as the wellbeing of the care staff and other residents.
I tell you, I wouldn't wish this on anyone. I know my wife is struggling to stay positive too. Afterall, she's worrying about me worrying about everything else, and it isn't easy on her either. I just hope the GP bothers to listen to what I have to say tomorrow as I don't think anyone would be able to carry on like this without breaking down completely. Then again, what could they do anyway? Send me off with a packet of paracetamol no doubt, and I'll be going straight into the office afterwards, still feeling pretty poorly I'm sure and tired from lack of sleep due to poor little man not being well, and with the weight of everything still happening hanging over me. What joy.
One good thing to happen lately is that dad made the bold step of visiting the care home to see mum himself for the first time. I won't go into detail but apparently it wasn't as bad as we might have expected. I'm glad he did it.
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