The Neverending Worry

I haven't seen mum since my visit on Friday and despite reassurances from the manager of the nursing home, as well as encouraging reports from my sister who is often visiting, I still don't feel at ease.

My father too had visited yesterday morning. While mum is apparently settled when sat listening to music and watching the world go by in the confined surroundings of the day room, it's when she needs assistance with toileting and changing that she really becomes a different person. My dad witnessed this himself yesterday - he told me how upsetting it was trying to get her changed, even with help from staff, but they got there eventually. It just goes to show that even though she's been moved to what should be a better home, it doesn't mean her behaviour or habits will change with it - she'll still exhibit the same response when people try to wash or change her, and it's down to this new set of staff to deal with it.

I am wondering also what the mood of the former care home is now that mum isn't there anymore. I wonder whether the staff are breathing a sigh of relief and feeling glad that the dynamics have got back to normal. It's a terrible thing but quite far to say she was a disruptive force in the three months she stayed there. I haven't yet been back but I plan to visit to return my pass and speak with whoever might be on duty. It would also be nice to see, one last time, the other residents there as we got to know who they were, as well as the staff. It would be a shame to completely cut them off seeing as they have been instrumental in getting to where we are today.

Tomorrow I plan to visit mum with my wife and our baby boy. I am dreading it already. As much as I want to go and see her, I am still hugely anxious about how she will be when we arrive. The new place, as I've said before, it not nearly as modern as the former home. I'm worried about the sights and sounds and even the smells that will greet us. It's a different environment with different people and different furnishings and men and women mixed together.

I just hope mum is calm and settled and feeling OK when we get there. I want to be able to sit and hold her hand and give her a hug without seeing her hair messy or her teeth not brushed or with dirty clothes or sticky hands. I guess I still have the memory of the last visit we made to her before she left the former care home, but that plus many other instances will stick in our minds for a long time.