It was a curious thing going into my folk's place to find it empty. I can't remember the last time neither of them were home. I'm sure it will have happened in recent years when they were both at a hospital or doctor's appointment and I might have popped home during a lunch break and got there before they did. But besides that, it has been many, many years since they weren't there. And it's certainly the first time in what must be perhaps 15 years or more that they have not both been there during the night.
It is now the fith night since my mum has been in the care home and the fifth night my dad has been in Hammersmith Hospital. They're both away from each other and in places they'd rather not be. My father had a better night last night than he did before but he'll not likely get a good sleep in the coming days, because he know has a date for what will be a double heart bypass operation.
But I'm positive about that. I know he'll be scared being there without us - I'll be at work, my wife will be at home with our son and my Aunt, his sister won't be able to get up there easily (ours is a very small family unit) - but it'll happen and he'll come through the other side. I'm sure he'll be a new man once he's had time to recouperate.
What I'm not so positive about is how things will pan out for mum in the care home. We've visited a few times and can't say we're 100% confident in the care team providing the support she needs. It's certainly a good, safe place for her to be and she appears quite happy. But there are little thing that give away what could be poor performance on behalf of the staff and commitment to their jobs. Mum appears far more gregarious and outgoing compared to the other residents. The other ladies there appear far more docile so we expect mum can be quite a challenge.
We are also concerned about the initial reports we've had about her behaviour. It's something we haven't expected and naturally comes as a shock. I'm worried most about whether she is dressed properly (we have fears about that), whether she eats well enough (we know how difficult she is with us, so must be doubly so in unfamiliar surroundings and lots of distractions) and whether she can keep herself dignified and clean (we know her habits at home, so potentially could cause herself some embarrassment, even if she doesn't realise it, being in a place and not knowing where to get to a toilet).
She forgets, of course. The saddest thing is that she doesn't realise dad is in hospital. And if we tell her, she'll naturally want to go and see him. But really, it's not something we can do just yet.
When I popped into their house earlier today - into the home I grew up in - it was cold and dreary. I felt quite sad. Seeing their personal effects in their usual place, collecting dust and unusued put things into perspective. The house itself hasn't been kept up properly for years now. Dad hasn't been able to do it on his own - his eyesight has deteriorated as well as his physical fitness and mum hasn't lifted a finger for years because of the dementia. But, with the place empty it's our chance now to get in there and clean the place from top to bottom. At least this way when they get home, they'll come back to a place which is spick and span.
But who knows when that will be. Dad will need time to recover from his operation and won't be in any fit state to look after mum. And what will mum do? It is the right thing to do to have her go home and be looked after by her husband, who shouldn't have to stress himself over caring for her?
This is where social services and the local council come in to play. They really need the help. It's up to us to sort things out best we can for both of them.
I will go to bed tonight safe and sound in my own home. My parents will be away from each other in places they don't want to be. Even mum understands something isn't quite right about where she is.
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