It has been over a week now since dad went into hospital and since mum went into the local care home.
Whenever we've visited mum she's been in her normal cheerful mood. This is all very encouraging. All of the members of staff we've seen have mentioned how well she has been getting on and how lovely and friendly she is. What has made me a little sad is that she doesn't mention dad in our presence, but appears to do so when we're not there. I wonder whether the longer she stays in there the more likely she is to forget about him completely.
And longer she may stay there, because things haven't been progressing to plan for my dad. One our last visit, a second MRI had not been carried out, and therefore no decision has been made about what procedure might be required. If anything does happen, it'll not likely happen until next week now, which means mum's stay in the care home will be extended. In turn this means the costs will continue to eat into their savings, and dad still will not have had the respite he desperately needed.
My dad was clearly very sensitive and emotional when we visited yesterday. He's in a place he doesn't want to be and is at the mercy of the staff. He can do nothing but wait and do his best to be patient and wait for the hours to pass. When we talked about mum, he was close to tears. When we left, he really was in tears. He surely didn't want us to have to leave.
I'm sure there wouldn't be any problem if and when the time comes for her to go home, but part of me worries about how she will get on being at home with dad again. She'll come away from a routine where she is fed regularly, has her clothes changed and washed regularly, and that she herself receives better personal care with washing and brushing her teeth regular - something which appears not to happen at home with dad. She won't have the same interaction with other people either.
While this has been going on, my wife and I are doing our best to cope with a 7 month old baby boy who appears to have this eating routine a bit mixed up. Despite best efforts, he's not eating very much during the day and is waking up 5 or 6 times in the night and not settling without a feed. The strain is on my wife of course but at least the little lad is taking pureed food and bottled milk more now, so we just need to feed him more where possible during the day, or look at changing our tactics.
We also have in the back of minds the fact that this time of year is the anniversary of the tragic events that happened 2 years ago. As fortunate as we are to have a beautiful, health baby boy, we cannot forget that he may well have had an older brother who would be a year and a half-old already.
This really has been a challenging year so far.
Thursday, 19 November 2015
Saturday, 14 November 2015
The Empty House
It was a curious thing going into my folk's place to find it empty. I can't remember the last time neither of them were home. I'm sure it will have happened in recent years when they were both at a hospital or doctor's appointment and I might have popped home during a lunch break and got there before they did. But besides that, it has been many, many years since they weren't there. And it's certainly the first time in what must be perhaps 15 years or more that they have not both been there during the night.
It is now the fith night since my mum has been in the care home and the fifth night my dad has been in Hammersmith Hospital. They're both away from each other and in places they'd rather not be. My father had a better night last night than he did before but he'll not likely get a good sleep in the coming days, because he know has a date for what will be a double heart bypass operation.
But I'm positive about that. I know he'll be scared being there without us - I'll be at work, my wife will be at home with our son and my Aunt, his sister won't be able to get up there easily (ours is a very small family unit) - but it'll happen and he'll come through the other side. I'm sure he'll be a new man once he's had time to recouperate.
What I'm not so positive about is how things will pan out for mum in the care home. We've visited a few times and can't say we're 100% confident in the care team providing the support she needs. It's certainly a good, safe place for her to be and she appears quite happy. But there are little thing that give away what could be poor performance on behalf of the staff and commitment to their jobs. Mum appears far more gregarious and outgoing compared to the other residents. The other ladies there appear far more docile so we expect mum can be quite a challenge.
We are also concerned about the initial reports we've had about her behaviour. It's something we haven't expected and naturally comes as a shock. I'm worried most about whether she is dressed properly (we have fears about that), whether she eats well enough (we know how difficult she is with us, so must be doubly so in unfamiliar surroundings and lots of distractions) and whether she can keep herself dignified and clean (we know her habits at home, so potentially could cause herself some embarrassment, even if she doesn't realise it, being in a place and not knowing where to get to a toilet).
She forgets, of course. The saddest thing is that she doesn't realise dad is in hospital. And if we tell her, she'll naturally want to go and see him. But really, it's not something we can do just yet.
When I popped into their house earlier today - into the home I grew up in - it was cold and dreary. I felt quite sad. Seeing their personal effects in their usual place, collecting dust and unusued put things into perspective. The house itself hasn't been kept up properly for years now. Dad hasn't been able to do it on his own - his eyesight has deteriorated as well as his physical fitness and mum hasn't lifted a finger for years because of the dementia. But, with the place empty it's our chance now to get in there and clean the place from top to bottom. At least this way when they get home, they'll come back to a place which is spick and span.
But who knows when that will be. Dad will need time to recover from his operation and won't be in any fit state to look after mum. And what will mum do? It is the right thing to do to have her go home and be looked after by her husband, who shouldn't have to stress himself over caring for her?
This is where social services and the local council come in to play. They really need the help. It's up to us to sort things out best we can for both of them.
I will go to bed tonight safe and sound in my own home. My parents will be away from each other in places they don't want to be. Even mum understands something isn't quite right about where she is.
It is now the fith night since my mum has been in the care home and the fifth night my dad has been in Hammersmith Hospital. They're both away from each other and in places they'd rather not be. My father had a better night last night than he did before but he'll not likely get a good sleep in the coming days, because he know has a date for what will be a double heart bypass operation.
But I'm positive about that. I know he'll be scared being there without us - I'll be at work, my wife will be at home with our son and my Aunt, his sister won't be able to get up there easily (ours is a very small family unit) - but it'll happen and he'll come through the other side. I'm sure he'll be a new man once he's had time to recouperate.
What I'm not so positive about is how things will pan out for mum in the care home. We've visited a few times and can't say we're 100% confident in the care team providing the support she needs. It's certainly a good, safe place for her to be and she appears quite happy. But there are little thing that give away what could be poor performance on behalf of the staff and commitment to their jobs. Mum appears far more gregarious and outgoing compared to the other residents. The other ladies there appear far more docile so we expect mum can be quite a challenge.
We are also concerned about the initial reports we've had about her behaviour. It's something we haven't expected and naturally comes as a shock. I'm worried most about whether she is dressed properly (we have fears about that), whether she eats well enough (we know how difficult she is with us, so must be doubly so in unfamiliar surroundings and lots of distractions) and whether she can keep herself dignified and clean (we know her habits at home, so potentially could cause herself some embarrassment, even if she doesn't realise it, being in a place and not knowing where to get to a toilet).
She forgets, of course. The saddest thing is that she doesn't realise dad is in hospital. And if we tell her, she'll naturally want to go and see him. But really, it's not something we can do just yet.
When I popped into their house earlier today - into the home I grew up in - it was cold and dreary. I felt quite sad. Seeing their personal effects in their usual place, collecting dust and unusued put things into perspective. The house itself hasn't been kept up properly for years now. Dad hasn't been able to do it on his own - his eyesight has deteriorated as well as his physical fitness and mum hasn't lifted a finger for years because of the dementia. But, with the place empty it's our chance now to get in there and clean the place from top to bottom. At least this way when they get home, they'll come back to a place which is spick and span.
But who knows when that will be. Dad will need time to recover from his operation and won't be in any fit state to look after mum. And what will mum do? It is the right thing to do to have her go home and be looked after by her husband, who shouldn't have to stress himself over caring for her?
This is where social services and the local council come in to play. They really need the help. It's up to us to sort things out best we can for both of them.
I will go to bed tonight safe and sound in my own home. My parents will be away from each other in places they don't want to be. Even mum understands something isn't quite right about where she is.
Thursday, 12 November 2015
Day Two
Yesterday morning I called into the care home to see how mum was doing. She had spent her first night there and I was worried about her sleeping habits (based on what dad had told me) and that she'd likely be up several times in the night to want to use the toilet - and finding herself alone and in an unfamiliar place.
They patched me through to what must have been the common area where she was chatting with the other residents. Even though she said she was OK and had lots of new friends, her voice gave away her true emotion - that she didn't understand where she was and why she was there. I told her that dad was in hospital and of course she wanted to see him. But it's just not possible. I wonder what she thinks when she's sitting there with the others, or sitting in her room doing nothing.
Whenever she is at home, in her usual place at the end of the settee nearest the window, she'd tell us that she's been in the garden or cleaned the bedrooms or done some thing or other. But she hasn't, of course. It's all in her mind. But at least this way, other people can properly assess her and see just how developed her condition is. We were told a couple of months ago that she has 'moderate dementia in Alzheimer's'. That would of course have been when she was fed, relaxed and in her own environment with dad. Now they're separated. On the telephone, she even asked me if I wanted to speak with dad - she didn't even realise where she was.
As for dad, well he has his own things to think about. The doctors have told him he'll need heart bypass surgery, and that it'll happen next week. So he'll be in for a good while yet. As a result, we've managed to extend my mum's stay in the care home. But it comes at a cost of course. It's crazy how these things are calculated but we're at the mercy of the system.
What scares me even more than dad having surgery is how mum is treated and how she copes being there. I know dad will have a positive outcome. I think we all just need to stay positive for everyone's sake.
They patched me through to what must have been the common area where she was chatting with the other residents. Even though she said she was OK and had lots of new friends, her voice gave away her true emotion - that she didn't understand where she was and why she was there. I told her that dad was in hospital and of course she wanted to see him. But it's just not possible. I wonder what she thinks when she's sitting there with the others, or sitting in her room doing nothing.
Whenever she is at home, in her usual place at the end of the settee nearest the window, she'd tell us that she's been in the garden or cleaned the bedrooms or done some thing or other. But she hasn't, of course. It's all in her mind. But at least this way, other people can properly assess her and see just how developed her condition is. We were told a couple of months ago that she has 'moderate dementia in Alzheimer's'. That would of course have been when she was fed, relaxed and in her own environment with dad. Now they're separated. On the telephone, she even asked me if I wanted to speak with dad - she didn't even realise where she was.
As for dad, well he has his own things to think about. The doctors have told him he'll need heart bypass surgery, and that it'll happen next week. So he'll be in for a good while yet. As a result, we've managed to extend my mum's stay in the care home. But it comes at a cost of course. It's crazy how these things are calculated but we're at the mercy of the system.
What scares me even more than dad having surgery is how mum is treated and how she copes being there. I know dad will have a positive outcome. I think we all just need to stay positive for everyone's sake.
Tuesday, 10 November 2015
Heart Attack?
Today, my dad had was suspected to be a heart-attack. It happened 4 days before mum was to go into care so that he could get respite.
I don't know if it's a good or a bad thing that it happened now and not when he would have been alone. Mum doesn't know how to use the telephone to dial 999 but was able to get help from a neighbour.
I was alerted to the problem after my wife had called me, and sounded quite hysterical on the phone. My dad managed to call home and speak to her as he knew the number by heart. By the time I got to their place, the paramedics had arrived and were checking him over. He was in a lot of pain and barely managing to speak, but settled down over the course of being reviewed.
He was taken to Hammersmith Hospital. Mum didn't quite understand what was going on. She kept asking who it was in the driveway, and I kept telling her it was the ambulance. She remained in her usual spot on the settee - at the end nearest the window, with her hands in her lap, looking to and fro and wondering what was happening. It was truly heartbreaking.
The only course of action was to have her stay at our place with my wife and son. After taking her there, I made my way to Hammersmith Hospital - and what a pain that is. My wife and I made numerous visits to Queen Charlotte's in years gone by and it wasn't a place that evoked nice memories. The parking charges are horrendous - the last thing you want to think about is having enough coins and checking the time for the parking when you're in the hospital for other more important reasons.
It also made me think back to that time when dad was in intensive care, but I was much younger - possibly nearly 30 years ago now. It was awful, I wanted to get out of there as soon as I could. I didn't realise at the time of course how worried my mum would have been. Now, she doesn't even realise he's in hospital.
She is in fact in the care home she intended to stay at starting at the weekend. It was such good fortune that my Aunt managed to speak to them and they agreed to take her today. So, after staying with dad for a while and leaving him in good hands, I got home and my Aunt and I took mum to the care home, which thankfully is local.
Leaving her there wasn't as hard as I expected. Dad had already prepared things in advance so we had collected clothes and toiletries for her, and in another stroke of good fortune the pharmacy had her advance supply of medication ready, so I picked that up and they were good to go. After staying with her in her room - which was very nice indeed - the Manager introduced her to the other ladies in the common room. And it was simply a matter of telling her we'd see her later, and off she went.
To be honest, I think I worry more about whether mum will be OK in unfamiliar surroundings and whether she'll be looked after properly than my dad who is responding well to the treatment he's been given (as I was told when I phoned up this evening to check on him) and is in safe hands.
Let's see what tomorrow brings...
I don't know if it's a good or a bad thing that it happened now and not when he would have been alone. Mum doesn't know how to use the telephone to dial 999 but was able to get help from a neighbour.
I was alerted to the problem after my wife had called me, and sounded quite hysterical on the phone. My dad managed to call home and speak to her as he knew the number by heart. By the time I got to their place, the paramedics had arrived and were checking him over. He was in a lot of pain and barely managing to speak, but settled down over the course of being reviewed.
He was taken to Hammersmith Hospital. Mum didn't quite understand what was going on. She kept asking who it was in the driveway, and I kept telling her it was the ambulance. She remained in her usual spot on the settee - at the end nearest the window, with her hands in her lap, looking to and fro and wondering what was happening. It was truly heartbreaking.
The only course of action was to have her stay at our place with my wife and son. After taking her there, I made my way to Hammersmith Hospital - and what a pain that is. My wife and I made numerous visits to Queen Charlotte's in years gone by and it wasn't a place that evoked nice memories. The parking charges are horrendous - the last thing you want to think about is having enough coins and checking the time for the parking when you're in the hospital for other more important reasons.
It also made me think back to that time when dad was in intensive care, but I was much younger - possibly nearly 30 years ago now. It was awful, I wanted to get out of there as soon as I could. I didn't realise at the time of course how worried my mum would have been. Now, she doesn't even realise he's in hospital.
She is in fact in the care home she intended to stay at starting at the weekend. It was such good fortune that my Aunt managed to speak to them and they agreed to take her today. So, after staying with dad for a while and leaving him in good hands, I got home and my Aunt and I took mum to the care home, which thankfully is local.
Leaving her there wasn't as hard as I expected. Dad had already prepared things in advance so we had collected clothes and toiletries for her, and in another stroke of good fortune the pharmacy had her advance supply of medication ready, so I picked that up and they were good to go. After staying with her in her room - which was very nice indeed - the Manager introduced her to the other ladies in the common room. And it was simply a matter of telling her we'd see her later, and off she went.
To be honest, I think I worry more about whether mum will be OK in unfamiliar surroundings and whether she'll be looked after properly than my dad who is responding well to the treatment he's been given (as I was told when I phoned up this evening to check on him) and is in safe hands.
Let's see what tomorrow brings...
Tuesday, 3 November 2015
A Busy Time
My father has been making good progress with social services. They recently had a visit from someone who was able to look at arranging for help at home and for mum to be taken into care for a couple of weeks a year.
Since then they have made arrangements for mum to be looked after for a week in a local care home.
This idea of mum spending time away from home terrifies me. I know how tough it would be for my dad too, even though this is exactly what he needs, which is some rest and time to himself. But he'd still be worried about her being away from familiar surroundings.
Thankfully my Aunt was able to be there when the social worker visited each time. They had a lot of forms to fill in. I'm quite surprised by this considering the age of the people expected to complete them. There were lots of difficult questions and a lot of documents to manage.
What we are all most concerned about is mum living away from home for several nights is whether she'll be properly taken care of: particularly, that she takes the medication or vitamins she's suppose to take, that she eats well and regularly, that she uses the toilet when she needs to, and of course that she feels safe and comfortable.
The home being offered apparently specialises in care for dementia sufferers. Best of all is that it's very local - easy enough for my dad to get to and easy enough for us to visit. But we'd need to make sure the team are fully aware of her habits and what she needs. She can't simply be left on her own to do what she wants. She'll be confused and wondering where my dad is. But I'm also conscious of the fact that very soon after being there - a matter of hours - she'll probably forget about him altogether. I wonder then what would happen when the week is over and she goes back to her own home...
But, we need to try it out. Dad needs the breathing space. I really hope this works out and it's just something we have to go along with now.
Not only that, but my wife and I are looking for a new home. We had put our home on the market and accepted an offer, but we're in no rush to move and certainly won't jump at a properly just for the sake of selling the home quickly.
So, with our baby boy going through interesting times (weaning and teething), mum and dad's arrangements with respite and the care and getting our heads around selling and buying a property, there is a lot going on at the moment.
Since then they have made arrangements for mum to be looked after for a week in a local care home.
This idea of mum spending time away from home terrifies me. I know how tough it would be for my dad too, even though this is exactly what he needs, which is some rest and time to himself. But he'd still be worried about her being away from familiar surroundings.
Thankfully my Aunt was able to be there when the social worker visited each time. They had a lot of forms to fill in. I'm quite surprised by this considering the age of the people expected to complete them. There were lots of difficult questions and a lot of documents to manage.
What we are all most concerned about is mum living away from home for several nights is whether she'll be properly taken care of: particularly, that she takes the medication or vitamins she's suppose to take, that she eats well and regularly, that she uses the toilet when she needs to, and of course that she feels safe and comfortable.
The home being offered apparently specialises in care for dementia sufferers. Best of all is that it's very local - easy enough for my dad to get to and easy enough for us to visit. But we'd need to make sure the team are fully aware of her habits and what she needs. She can't simply be left on her own to do what she wants. She'll be confused and wondering where my dad is. But I'm also conscious of the fact that very soon after being there - a matter of hours - she'll probably forget about him altogether. I wonder then what would happen when the week is over and she goes back to her own home...
But, we need to try it out. Dad needs the breathing space. I really hope this works out and it's just something we have to go along with now.
Not only that, but my wife and I are looking for a new home. We had put our home on the market and accepted an offer, but we're in no rush to move and certainly won't jump at a properly just for the sake of selling the home quickly.
So, with our baby boy going through interesting times (weaning and teething), mum and dad's arrangements with respite and the care and getting our heads around selling and buying a property, there is a lot going on at the moment.
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