The Ups and the Downs

A difficult day

I had some not-so-bad dreams, but partly unpleasant and strangely upsetting dreams. I awoke in the early hours of the morning with tears in my eyes - I had been crying. I fell asleep and when I woke up again later on, at the time I'd normally get out of bed, I felt drained.

Everyday Saturday I visit my folks place and take my dad to the local Tesco to help with the weekly shopping. Mum is able to stay at home for a short period on here, but oftentimes we'll come back and she'll have taken food out the fridge or (what is a more recurring problem) hides away keys or other bits and pieces and forgets where she's put it. Although dad gets out and about almost everyday, this serves as a guaranteed weekly visit to see both my parents and also enables dad to pick up anything heavier or bulkier that he couldn't manage on his own during the week. Things like a supply of milk, bottled water, some beers to last the week, that sort of thing.

This morning though I felt hardly in the mood to have to go out and do it. Today it felt like a real chore. I was tired, I didn't feel like and with the weather being very cold, damp and windy outside I'd have rather stayed at home.

My wife can read me very well, which I'm hugely conscious of. The slightest hint of frustration or my usual bout of 'stroppiness' she picks up on and mentions. She has far more reason to feel stressful or worried about things, being 6.5 months pregnant and focusing on watching what she eats.

She has been diagnosed as having gestational diabetes. It wasn't unexpected, to be honest. Her mother is a diabetic and previous blood tests had show a higher susceptablity to the condition. We have of course also just come the other side of the festive season, so plenty of opportunties to spoil ourselves and have that one extra bit of chocolate or dessert or whatever else. Truth be told, our diet isn't so bad and hers isn't at all bad - lots of fruit and veg, chicken and fish, nuts and seeds. Neither of us drink fizzy drinks like cola or lemonade, and I don't put sugar in my tea or coffee or on my cereal. The majority of our sugar intake comes from fruits and fruit juices, although I'm far more less disciplined with cakes and sweets than she is. Of course, she'll partake in sharing a treat or two but I certainly have the sweeter tooth.

Yesterday involved another slog through morning traffic to take her to an appointment at the hospital to see a doctor, dietician and nurses. I sped back to work and spent most of the morning watching my phone for updates from here. Come lunchtime, 4 hours after dropping her off, my nerves were completed rattled waiting for her to let me know she was done. I sped off to pick her up and take her home - complete with an Accucheck blood monitoring system given by the health team for her to use.

This of course makes me feel quite selfish and perhaps quite melodramatic. She is managing to watch what she eats, focussing on the nutritional value of foods we have and doing a good job of measuring the values each time she uses the machine to test her blood. The results are not bad at and within reasonable levels. So why I am feeling so low about things?

Perhaps it's actually the weather, who knows. This morning I fought hard to keep the tears back. Quite honestly there were two or three occasions this morning at my folks place and in the car afterwards that I could easily have broken down in tears. I don't know why.

I also feel for my parents, who would rather we spend more time with them. Today I just couldn't do it. I love my parents dearly but today was one of those days that I simply couldn't bear being there. Perhaps I'm being too much of a coward or not being patient enough with people. I'm worrying about my wife and her condition, and what she's going through carrying our second son, and I'm wanting to give my parents a grandchild that would be such a boost to their own lives. I often daydream about the day we take our son to see them, so they can see the newest member of the family for themselves. and I'm quite sure whatever ailment or other problems they're having would be eased considerably seeing that miracle of a newborn being.

I just hope everything goes well between now and then for them all. Right now I have to pack aside all this crap I'm feeling and concentrate on making sure I support my wife as much as possible. Tomorrow is another day.