One Last Visit to the Old Home

Since mum was moved to the new nursing home I had intended to pay a visit to the former residential home that looked after her for three months - not only to return the card pass they had issued me for easy access in and out but to say something of a Goodbye to the staff and residents there.

Yesterday I had my chance and it was a strangely emotional experience. I went in the front entrance, signed my name in the book but didn't write who I was visiting. I passed into the main lobby area and let myself into the wing where mum used to be. I wasn't worried about hearing her wailing or seeing her in a bad state. But there was still the same aroma and temperature about the place which is unique to it. I daren't venture down the corridor to her room. I wonder if they had taken her name from the display at the door. I wonder too if the wet room has been given a good clean and whether anything remained from the little cupboard where they kept her toothbrush and toothpaste and other bits and bobs.

I managed to see some of the staff that had done their best to look after mum. Due to their shift patterns I perhaps didn't get to see 4 or 5 others that were normally there, but they recognised and greeted me straight away which I thought was very nice. I also said Hello to one of the residents who appears more alert than the others - whether she actually recognised and remembered me, or if she just acknowledged my Hello out of politeness, I don't know but that was nice to receive too.

I wasn't able to spend much time in their company but I imagine the mood and dynamics of the group had returned to some sort of normality since my mum's discharge. She was a challenge for them and her presence affected the other residents as well as the staff. What I did feel good about though is that they said how much they missed her. I must admit having a lump in my throat and did my best not to break down in front of them as I updated them on how she was.

One of the staff did point out that it had been a big part of our lives for the past three months, and it wouldn't be easy just to let it go. In this respect, a part of me still wants to keep in touch and visit them now and then.

I look ahead now to when I can visit mum again. I have images and sounds in my head which aren't pleasant and I know the same dread will take hold when I get near the place. I just hope that she's OK and settled and being looked after.