I have this thing about balance or a YingYang but what can perhaps be best described as overthinking the idea of "ups and downs". It's about experiencing good periods and then what might be regarded as bad or challenging times and circumstances. It's a silly belief of mine that if a lot of difficult stuff happens, like what's been happening over the last two months, then something good should come along eventually to balance it out. And I believe it works the other way: that if things appear to be going smoothly or running along nicely, I have this idea that it's too good to be true and something crap is bound to happen to keep us in check. I don't believe it applies to other people, just me and 'us' although my mum hasn't done anything to deserve what she's going through.
Everyone has their trials and tribulations. I do believe our family are far better off in general than a lot of people. We are, in the greater scheme of things, very, very lucky indeed. The stresses and anxieties, when they happen, are however real and do leave their mark. We're only human and you can't take everything in your stride that easily. I guess a lot depends on how people react and deal with those challenges that make the difference.
I have never been very good at handling stressful situations, or being under pressure. I've always been an over-sensitive person and not the most outgoing of people either. I find it hard to react calmly or logically when the shiz hits the fan and I don't often talk about how I feel, so a lot of it is bottled up. I guess it's why I like to write, as I've done that a lot over the years in some form or other. Looking back, my wife and I haven't had much luck with some things, but at the same time we've certainly been very lucky with other things. There is that balance again. Some may consider our dramas trivial but for sure we've had our fair share of difficulties. Time doesn't necessarily heal all wounds either but it does make things easier to deal with and a whole lot stronger in a way too.
I had reservations about writing this particular post but I'm going to put things into perspective, seeing as I might not have the chance to write in the coming months.
It was my father's heart attack and subsequent bypass op and long stay in hospital 2.5 years ago now that resulted in mum being wrenched out of her normal homelife, and triggered the downward spiral that she has been suffering with her dementia. As of today, she's not good. She's not the same anymore. We're into the next phase of her illness.
I remember it all very well, simply because of how difficult it all was. We were raising a 1.5 year old baby, which is difficult enough; I was fumbling through dealing with social services and the residential and care homes for mum; my in-laws had also stayed with us for a few weeks during the whole thing, something planned in advance of my dad's heart attack, so we had to juggle things with them; my wife had jury service while everything was going on; and besides worrying about mum, I was also worried about my father too of course: his op, his poor mental state in hospital (a very depressing time - everytime we left after our visits he thought he might not see us again) and then his recovery and adjusting to living alone. And if that wasn't enough, we were in the midst of trying to sell our home and find a new property, something stressful enough on its own, but that had to be shelved and I guess was a pre-cursor for what's going on now.
I'm a sucker for punishment, someone said to me quite sympathetically at the time. Put all these things that happened at the same time together and for sure it didn't do our health a favour. The only twisted bit of good that came out of that period was that I lost a fair bit of weight, but it's hardly the right way to go about it.
Back to the present day, and the good thing is that we are expecting again. It's fantastic news for us and could be that hugely positive next chapter in our life, but we just can't help feeling how difficult it will be given everything that's happening.
Little too much information perhaps, but the brutal, honest truth is my wife has delivered three of our children, and we have only the one with us. This is why we feel so offended by anyone complaining about what our son might be doing, which I'll give vague hints about but won't go into the detail. She is understandably very anxious about how things will pan out over the next few months with the new bundle of joy in our lives, as am I - not to mention how difficult things might be at home when the time comes, given this other drama that has been stewing in the background since last year. Again, part of not having made the best home-move decision I mentioned last time.
I can't imagine how difficult it is for a mother to be a mother, and the worries and fears involved in having a baby. I feel so deeply sad for what my wife has had to go through in the past, and even more recently as last year, 2017 (and right at the time we could have done without more drama - it's so frustrating to think we had so much upset to go through without worrying about another trivial matter). Looking back over my earlier posts here on this blog I see that I have alluded to some tradegy in what is more distant years now and yes, it was truly a traumatic time for us, but we managed to get through it and it's in the past. The memory of it is still vivid and it's an experience we wouldn't ever want to go through again. It's always lurking in the back of our minds and more so for my wife.
The last 2 months have been pretty crap for our family. But hey, I don't want to make this a sob story: it's not all doom and gloom and we do maintain a positive outlook on things but geez, life really gives you some lemons. Made lemonade they say, but it's not always as easy.
My mum's condition had progressed for the worse: it started with another fall, going back to one night in February. My sister informed me that mum was in hospital again but I didn't have any word from the nursing home about what was happening. I was up early on a Wednesday morning and spoke to the night shift staff who told me that mum had gone into A&E again. My routine kicked in and I got ready with my 'hospital kit' again (charged phone, food, drink, etc).
I arrived at the hospital at 06.30 in the morning to find her completely zonked out. They had to sedate her in order to carry out a scan and take observations; something they can't do with her being resistant (and still strong) and not understanding instructions and why she needs to stay still. The problem that ensued over the rest of what was a very long day was that she didn't get over the sedation. She was neither asleep nor fully awake the whole time. Either her body couldn't get the sedation out of her system or else the fall had affected her in other ways, so it was a very anxios time waiting hour after hour for her to wake up properly.
Eventually she was moved from A&E to a ward and spent the night in hospital. Her first stay since she moved into care. I already knew something wasn't right when I left her in the hands of the ward staff.
She was discharged the next day, but back at the nursing home she was the same. Just not fully awake and simply not the same as before. At the time it was just a matter of allowing a few days for her to recover and get back to normal - this was what we were all hoping for. But this didn't happen. She was less mobile than before and not eating or drinking in the same way.
This is how she is now. She can no longer walk on her own, as well as not being able to eat or drink, wash, change, toilet or anything else.
A week later I come down with a nasty cough and cold. Sod's law, our son was poorly with a cough too, and coupled with the freezing spell of weather we had (all that snow and ice), made for another miserable few days at home, off sick from work and nursery. My wife, as expected, came down with a cough a week later - a mix of being at home with us but also from having a flu jab some days earlier.
A week later, and more drama. Mum is back in hospital, again.
The nursing home staff found her shivering and more confused that normal one morning, so got her to A&E again. When I saw her that particular morning, with my dad in tow (poor fella, I should have left him at home that day), she was indeed just a bag of bones shivering under a blanket, hooked up to a drip and not looking good at all.
She spent an entire week in hospital - a UTI, chest infection and AKI (acute kidney injury) all contributing to a pretty bad spell for her. Every day we waited for the medical team to give her the all clear to go home.
The last thing we wanted during this difficult and anxious time was to arrive home in the evening after visting her and worry about disturbing someone we know locally... I won't go into the detail but I have to say it's a ridiculous situation and not something we deserve to be worrying ourselves over under the circumstances. Sadly it has been another contributing factor (albeit small but frustrating nonetheless) to the amount of stress we've been under, which is especially not good with my wife expecting again.
With all this happeneing, we have social services and funding to be worrying about. Back in Novermber mum had her yearly assesment, and the outcome was that she was considered not highly at risk enough to receive full care funding, and was therefore considered a self-funder. It sounds crazy but this is how the system works. We have requested another assessment in light of what she's been through and the deterioration in her condition, and now just await a date for that to happen. Everything takes time with social services and the NHS but I remain hopeful for some additional help, such as one-to-one care, which ironically was recommended only days before this fall which changed her for the worse.
I started this blog with the intention of diarising my experience as a new dad. Our boy will be 3 years old in a few weeks time. He is a beautiful and clever lad but very much acting like a todler. It's such a shame we do not allow him to do what normal todlers should be doing some of the time, but maybe we worry too much about things we shouldn't be worrying about. I don't know how we're going to do it when the new baby arrives, but we'll do it someway somehow. I hope mum will stay with us long enough for her to see her grandaughter, and I hope my wife and I manage to find a way to move to a new family home so that we can allow our children to flourish and enjoy life without worrying about other people.
Tomorrow is my parent's 40th wedding anniversary. I can't imagine how upsetting it will be for my dad to visit her.
Happy Anniversary, mum and dad x
